Newly Wed, Newly Bred!

Canceling a Flight: How to Get a FULL Refund.

2012-01-01T08:42:00.002-06:00

A quick note: My brother is going through a divorce. It's not his choice, and the situation is very sad for everyone involved. I have a lot of choice words I could say about the situation, but out of respect for my brother, I won't. For now, anyway. Anyway, his soon to be ex is in Idaho this year, completing a residency. They had been flying back and forth during this time to see each other, and my brother was to fly back with her after Christmas, for a several week visit. Instead she asked for a divorce. While divorce is no laughing matter, if you read this blog regularly, you are aware that my family has a warped sense of humor. We don't mince words, and we are able to laugh at things that others probably would not think are funny.

This is a real conversation my brother had with the fine folks over at Delta last night:

Brother: I'd like to cancel a flight.

Delta: You don't want to go to Boise?

Brother: Well, I did. I was going to visit my wife, but she wants a divorce instead.

Delta: Oh, dear. I'm sorry to hear that.

Brother: Yeah, been a fun Christmas.

*20 second awkward pause*

Delta: Hold on, let me see what I can do.

*Hold music consisting of love and breakup songs*

Delta: Okay, I've waived the cancellation fee. You have a $316 credit.
...
Delta: I've been happily divorced for over 25 years.

So you see, not all airlines are heartless. Way to go, Delta. Or it could just be that she was put in a socially awkward situation, and wanted to do anything to just get the hell off the phone. Either way, I'm calling it a win. Delta: Making divorces a little less miserable since 1928.

Christmas Craftiness

2011-12-31T12:42:00.000-06:00

I really wasn't kidding when I said Pinterest was ruining my life. It's taken over, and thus my holidays were spent gluing, painting and modge-podging. I thought some of you might want to see what I came up with. Sadly, I didn't take pictures of all the things when they were totally finished. I wish I had!

This is a button ball/ornament I made my Mom. It's not finished in the pic. Once it was done, I made a loop of ribbon and pinned it at the top. She LOVED it! I used a styrofoam ball, tons of buttons and straight pins.

This is a photo holder I made for my Dad, and it's inside a pocket watch. I'm not totally thrilled with how it turned out, so I may re-do the picture part. I took the time piece out, and put pictures in. I used heat n bond to adhere the pictures to some fabric. And honestly, I think I could have totally skipped that step. It just made things bulky. I think Im going to use a ribbon, and modge podge picture to a ribbon. He liked it, though!

Tea cup bird feeder! These were fun to do. This one is my Mom's, and I made my Grandma one, too. I raided several goodwill stores and found a bunch of tea cups and saucers on the cheap. No effing silverware, though. Some of my own spoons had to make the ultimate sacrifice. All I did was glue the tea cup to the saucer, the spoon to the saucer, and then glue the pipe cap to the bottom of the saucer. The pipe is copper plumbing pipe. You can either fill the tea cup with bird food, or fill it with water and put food on the saucer. The spoon is a perch.

Button rings! These are also super easy. You can do them two ways. The simplest is to buy adjustable rings (Hobby Lobby and Michael's have them) and glue the buttons on, or you can wire the buttons together and make the ring out of the beading wire. For gifts, I do the glue version, since I don't know what size ring people wear. For my own, I do the wire version. Very easy, cheap, and they are super cute.

T-shirt scarves! Also easy. Another raid at the Goodwill, and I had a stack of XXL and XL shirts. You want all cotton for this. I cut the hem off the bottom, then cut the shirt into strips, horizontally from the bottom. They don't need to be neat or even. After you've cut the strips, they are in a nice big loop for you. Stretch it out a bit, and they curl up nicely. I gathered about 10 or so of the curled up loops, and tied them all together into an infinity scarf. You can wear it as one long scarf, double up in the picture, etc. I then cut flowers out of a white t-shirt, put a button in the middle and put it on an alligator clip. It can be added you your scarf, worn in your hair or whatever else you can come up with.

I really, REALLY wish I had gotten a pic of these complete. They had button eyes, and orange noses. I cut the tips off of wooden skewers, dipped in orange paint, and glued them on. They were adorable! And the snowmen are made out of white tube socks filled with rice, and the hat and sweater are made from a christmas sock. Very easy, and totally adorable. This was part of a gift for Carson's preschool teachers.

This was the second part of the preschool teacher gifts! Peppermint sugar scrub. SO easy and cheap! White sugar, some sort of oil (I used olive, but you could use whatever), and scented extract, and food coloring. Since it was for a Christmas gift, AND because I love peppermint, that's what I used. Carson helped make the whole thing! I didn't measure at all. I dumped sugar in a bowl, then poured oil in, until it was the consistency I wanted. Added food coloring and extract, and stirred. I did happen to have Vitamin E oil on hand, so I used some of that, too. I got the jars at Hobby Lobby for $1.99. I made sure to keep one for myself! I ended up making more, and gave them to my Mom and Grandma, too.

I snagged these canvases on clearance at a local craft store for $1.69 or something ridiculous. They are 10x10. Then I bought some Christmas-ish fabric scraps. I just stapled the fabric on (aka, the back looks like a hot mess), printed some pictures, and hot glued some ribbon trim down. Nothing to it. They don't look breathtaking, but grouped together they are a fun holiday display on the cheap.

Mini tool box! I was so excited about this one! My Dad is a VERY handy guy, so this just looked perfect for him. What you need: Altoid tins (as many as you want to do), primer, red paint, glue and stainless steel eye strap with some tiny screws. The eye straps were the only tricky part. The dude at Home Depot looked at me like I had 3 heads when I asked for them. So? I ordered from Amazon. They are some boat supply part. The tutorial I saw for this actually used beading wire, punched holes in the tins and wired them together. Yeaaaah. I used glue. It worked just fine. You are welcome. They can be used to hold business cards, tiny nails and screws, paperclips, whatever!

This is about as far as the DIY kitchen ever got. This would be the project from hell that almost ended in a divorce. We shall never speak of it again.

So, there you have it. A Merry Pinterest Christmas. I've moved on, and am ready to tackle some more projects. Right now I'm working on turning an old dresser into a dress up wardrobe for C. He has a lot of dress up costumes, so I thought this would be fun. Once it's finished, I'll post about it.

Wieners and Beer at Walgreens

2011-12-30T07:16:00.008-06:00

The older C gets, the funnier our conversations and public outings get. And by funnier, I mean slightly horrifying. Sometimes I think it would be best if I become homebound, and just order my groceries online, and maybe start hoarding things. Then I'd probably get my own TLC show, so that's a win win scenario.

But, I'm not a hoarder, and I do occasionally venture out of my house with the kid in tow. One day a bit before Christmas, I had to go to Walgreens. I can't even remember what for, at this point. I already have a Snuggie, so that wasn't it. But it probably was to check out the As Seen on TV section. I still don't have a bumpit. Another holiday season has come and gone, and there was no bumpit or ped egg in my stocking. But I digress.

C and I hit up Walgreens. For his entertainment purposes, we ventured down the Christmas aisle. Mostly because I (along with every other Walgreens shopper) wanted to quell the screams of "OHHHH! Chwismas! I see Chwismas! I YOVE IT! I NEED SEE! MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!" I had C in the back of the cart (because let's face it, Walgreens has miniature carts, and my kid is giant. If I put him in the front, his sheer mass would flip that bitch over in 2 seconds) which I was hoping was close enough to a cage to keep him contained. So, we are looking at miniature trees, snowglobes and all the other overpriced holiday crap when C went absolutely ape shit. "WUDOLPH!! It's Wudolph! I yove him! I need take home! Mommy, yook!" Sure enough, it was a giant, 3 foot stuffed Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Just what every house needs, right? I silently groaned, but grabbed the Reindeer and saw that is was under $15, so I decided to just make the kids day and let him have it. You know, the magic of Christmas, and all that happy horse shit.

So, I hand it over to C, and his little face lit up, and all was well in the world. Until. I hear the glorious words every mother yearns to hear uttered from the sweet mouth of their innocent toddler, while walking the aisles at the local pharmacy. "Yook! Mommy I have a BIIIIIIIG wiener!!!"

It's no secret that I have a mouth like a sailor. I mean, if you've read this blog for two minutes, you've come across some gems like "bitch-tittied bull shit" or "twat waffle". But I really can't ever recall mentioning big wieners in front of my kid. And he is now proclaiming to every. fucking. person. that we go by that he has a big wiener. And THAT is when I realize that he is saying "reindeer". It's sounds a bit like "way-ner" and awfully close to wiener. By this point, I'm sure that every patron of Walgreens thinks I raise my kid on the set of a porn shoot. I quickly start repeating after him "Yes honey, you have a big REINDEER. Your REINDEER is really big", but I don't think anyone was buying it.

I decided that it was time to finish up, and get the hell out of Walgreens before somebody called the authorities. I needed some cheese, so I headed over to the refrigerated aisle, so I could grab a bag of it at approximately seven times the actual retail value. I couldn't stomach the thought of giant dong talk all through the grocery store, so I was willing to pay the inflated price. As we rounded the corner and the refrigerated goods came into view, C let rip with another little gem. "Oh, beer! I yove beer! Beer is GOOD!" Fuck. My. Life. Now people think I let my kid watch porn while tossing back a cold one. The best part? If you are a loyal blog reader, you know that my kid CAN toss one back! Let's not forget my public service announcement. I quickly respond with "That's what Pa says, doesn't he? Pa loves beer, Pa thinks beer is good! Beer isn't for little boys though, right?" By this point, I'm sure that somebody has CPS on the phone, and they'll be there momentarily to cart my kid away. It can't be normal for a 3 year old to be talking about giant wieners and love of beer, right?

Hmm. Maybe it can.

I felt like I was doing the walk of shame up to the counter. I prayed with every fiber of my being that Carson wouldn't bring up giant dicks again, but of course he did. I gave up even trying to explain, and grabbed my bag and got the fuck out of there. And I STILL didn't have a bumpit. Walgreens = epic Mommy fail.

Pinterest is ruining my life.

2011-12-29T15:45:00.001-06:00

Pinterest. Just the word makes me both squeal with glee and weep with self hatred. Pinterest is destroying my life. Soon it will ruin friendships, and I'll be all alone. Sure, I'll be surrounded by modge podge, glitter, my glue gun and a bunch of bizarre crafts, but I'll be friendless. And possibly husband-less.

You know how there is all that Mommy competition out there? To have the smartest, fastest, cutest kid on the block? Pinterest is like that, but on steroids. You need to be the craftiest bitch on the block or you are NOTHING!!!! I've always been quasi-crafty. Meaning I can bang out a fleece no sew poncho pretty fast, but if it's a multi step, patience requiring, detail oriented craft, you can just count me the fuck out. And that is where Pinterest ruining my life hits it's cue.

I'm going to assume you all know what Pinterest is. If you don't, you are in worse shape than me. I'm pretty sure my dog even has a Pinterest account, so if you don't, you had better get your shit together stat, my friends.

Now, Pinterest has allowed me to find some sweet shit, I won't lie. Um, making your own liquid hand soap by the gallon for only pennies? Shit, YES! Take THAT Softsoap! Screw you, and your $3.99 bottles of soap. I'm your bitch no more, and I have Pinterest to thank. Oh, and peppermint infused Vodka? FUCK. YES. are the only words that come to mind. You know how the day after Christmas all the drug stores basically start PAYING you to cart candy canes out of their store? Now you have a valid use for them. Jazz up your vodka and just get hammered. But it's drunk on peppermint, so that makes it a holiday celebration, therefore, klassier. YOU ARE WELCOME. So, Pinterest has it's uses.

But then there is the other shit. The useless fucking shit that people pin and I roll my eyes at. How about the "motivation" pictures? Usually it's some in shape chick with maybe a little bit of a gut on her, and then a pic of her sans gut. First of all, that is not motivation, assholes. That is fucking depressing. I carried around an 11 pound baby whale. I'd give me left tit to look like her "before" pic, but same as Lindsay Lohan's career making a comeback.... shit ain't gonna happen. Let's all collectively delete the motivation/inspiration, and replace them with the peppermint and skittles infused vodka and drunken gummy bears. We'll all be happier. And drunker. In fact, we'll be so drunk and happy, we won't give a fuck that we look like bloated Elvis. Hot damn, I'm a genius. People should be paying me for these ideas.

Then there is the category of "Super Amazing Shit That I Am WAY Too Poor To Ever Do, So This Is Just Depressing". You know what I'm talking about. People who pin pics of "Perfect for the Mudroom!" kind of shit, but their "mudroom" was done by Pottery Barn to the tune of approximately $6,000. Give me a break. I have a kid. And a husband who qualifies as a kid often, when it comes to neatness. If you think I'm about to makeover any room in my house, ESPECIALLY one dedicated to mud, in all white and wicker, you are fucked in the head. My idea of a mud room is all tile, with a drain in the middle of the room. Plastic bench, plastic everything. With a hose hook up. That way when the kid and the dog track in mud and manage to coat every surface in the room with said mud in 3 nanoseconds, I can hose that bastard down. Plus, it would make a good kill room. And I watch Dexter. I know that you may just need a kill room with easy access every once in a while. I don't think if I try to return a white wicker basket douched in grime at Pottery Barn that they would give me a very friendly reception. There are eleventy seven other examples that fall within this category, too. These are the pins I am easily able to roll my eyes at and mutter a "Bitch, please!"

It's this next category that is destroying me. Its the "Shit That Looks Super Simple, Really Cute, And Fun For A Toddler/Gift/Girls Night" that is ripping apart my formerly tranquil (read: lazy) life. Shit like the wine cork Christmas Tree. I came across this pin, and thought it was genius. I really, REALLY, wanted to make it for my Mom, as she is ~~a little bit of a wino~~ an avid wine drinker. First, where does one get 163 corks? I'm a lush and all, but I hate wine. If I needed Grey Goose bottles, I'd really give it my all, but no way am I chugging that many bottles of wine. Off to Ebay I went, and bought a giant box of corks. Ok, fine. Got the corks, picked up some hot glue. This should be easy, right?

WRONG. Did you know that corks are apparently the fucking flubber of the alcohol world? NOTHING sticks to that shit. It's impenetrable. It won't absorb anything, and nothing sticks to it. Kevin Federline should look into it as birth control. I hot glued the shit out of those corks, and they came right back apart. So, back to Hobby Lobby I went. I perused the glue aisle, and left with two items. Gorilla Glue and some other shit I can't remember the name of. But it SPECIFICALLY said it worked for cork. I remember reading on some crafty blog somewhere that Gorilla Glue would basically glue anything and everything, so I decided to give it a shot. Um, that shit turns into a big, white, foam, eye sore when it's dry. It ran everywhere and looked more like a Gorilla had jizzed on it, rather than glued it. FAIL. I tried the next stuff that said it was for cork. It might have been, but it wasn't quick dry, so you had to sit forever holding 2 corks together like a moron. Not very effective when you have 163 corks to glue together. I decided to pick up another bag of hot glue sticks and try using MORE hot glue. Yeaaaah. Then there was hot glue oozing everywhere and it looked terrible. At this point, I'm like $57 in on glue products alone, and about to rip my hair out in frustration, so I just gave up.

Then there is the other shit that people claim to be "quick and easy" crafts, but that I look at, and think they are fucked in the head. Im totally down for the quick and easy crafts. White handprint on a piece of wood or ornament made into snowmen? Dig it. Cutting out a giant felt triangle as a christmas tree for your kids to decorate? I'm down. But it's shit like this little number that make me go "WTF, dude." First of all, have you ever cut felt? I sure as fuck have, and mine NEVER looks that nice. It's all ragged and jagged and has little bits of fuzz everywhere. Second of all, if any type of garland I'm making out of felt requires sewing, that project is OUT. I can take my ass to the local Dollar Tree and buy some (not handmade) beautiful shit for one dolla' that some kid in a third world country cranked out. The former, while handmade and all pretty, sounds sucktastic compared to the ease of the latter. Thirdly, I don't know what the fuck kind of friends you have, but if I wrapped up some braided felt piece of shit and tried to pass it off as a necklace or bracelet, I'd get bitch slapped. If you seriously look at that and scream "OH MY GOD!!! Fashion Accessory!!", we can no longer be friends.

The final nail in the coffin, as well as near demise of my marriage was the DIY play kitchen. I'm sure you've seen these bits of adorableness on Pinterest. Crafty bitches make over bulky wood entertainment centers from 1987 and turn them into fabulous play kitchens for their kids for what they claim is mere pennies. First of all, the bitches lie. The hubs agreed to do this, so we headed to Home Depot for supplies. Since we had to remove glass doors and put on wood ones, the bill was steep. Wood, hinges, handles, knobs, primer, paint.... the list was never ending, and we left $100 poorer. I clearly recall us going "Huh. We could have bought a fucking kitchen for that", but we convinced ourselves that if we MADE the kitchen, it would somehow be better. Fast forward 2 and a half months. It is now December 23rd. I have been hounding the husband for 2 and a half months about the kitchen, he assures me that it will be done by Christmas. Cue the husband walking in the door, telling me the kitchen will NOT in fact be done. The garage is covered in saw dust, power tools, and the scent of paint hung heavy in the air. And then the yelling begins. I'll just bottom line this for you. I'm pretty sure we were both ready to grab power tools and attack the other. And the worst part? Since every fucking Christmas present related to the play kitchen, we had to scramble, scrape some funds together (so long Christmas bonus. I barely knew ye...) and go to Toys R Us. TOYS R FUCKING US, people! 36 hours before Christmas! It was hell. ALL BECAUSE OF PINTEREST. Pinterest almost caused the end of my marriage. Thankfully we rallied, pulled through, and the kid woke up to an awesome play kitchen on Christmas Morning. No thanks to Pinterest. All credit goes to Little Tikes. I wonder if Pinterest will pay the tab for the marriage counseling we now need?

So you see, I'm going to hot glue and modge podge away until I'm left friendless, and husbandless. But you know what? If I end up homeless, I'll make myself one hell of a poncho to keep warm. WIN!!

Check Me Out!

2011-11-29T16:04:00.001-06:00

Guess who is featured over at the awesomeness that is Modern Rosies???? Oh yeah, that's ME! And my rather stupendous no-sew car seat poncho tutorial!! Click above to check it out! If you aren't following that blog, get your sweet bitchtits over there and start, because it is oozing with awesome. And who wants to miss out on that?!

Confetti Creations SUPER SALE!!!

2011-11-25T02:56:00.000-06:00

My best good friend Jess is the creator behind Confetti Creations. Not only can she make an AHHH-mazing cake, but she also makes awesome creations for kids! I LOVE her boys ties! And lucky for you, she is having a Black Friday THROUGH Cyber Monday sale!

Tie bundles are 3/$24
Use code NWNB20 to get 20% off entire purchase (including the tie bundles!)
Free gift with every order (while supplies last, so hurry!) Mustache tie clip or hair bow
For every $5 you spend, you will be entered into a drawing for a $20 gift certificate to Confetti Creations. No limit on total entries!

I'd love it if you went to her Facebook page and say that I sent you, and give her some love!.

Totally awesome hairbows that coordinate with the ties!

SUPER easy DIY iron on kit!!! How adorable is this?!

Ethan (Carson's best friend! and Jackson modeling their aprons!)

So, what are you waiting for?! Head over to Confetti Creations and snag yourself a stellar deal!

SuperMom is Dead.

2011-11-21T07:47:00.001-06:00

SuperMom is dead. Or at least, she is at my house.

It seems that all Mom’s possess a deep desire for perfection. True, it lays dormant for years. Any teenaged girls bedroom is a prime example of how the need for perfection doesn’t hit until later. All it takes is hearing the first cry of your newborn, and instantly, a switch is flipped.

Nobody can deny that becoming a Mother is the beginning of the "look how much better I am than you" parade. It begins with pregnancy (well, I only gained 4 pounds my entire pregnancy!), has an encore for the arrival of your bundle of joy (an epidural? Really? Psh. Labor wasn't painful for me at all, no drugs here!) and it seems to continue on endlessly as your child develops. Develops much more slowly than his peers, evidently. Here's the thing, though. We are ALL responsible for it. Some are worse offenders than others, but at some point or another, we all glean a little bit of satisfaction in thinking we are a better mother than the one across the street, or in play group.

The SuperMom ideal is so ridiculous. I blame the era of the perfect television mother and wife. Damn you, June Cleaver! NOBODY vacuums in heels and pearls. NOBODY is perfectly coiffed every day, with a freshly starched apron and steaming hot meals. Sure, we all know it was made for television, but everybody has had some sort of daydream about being the ideal Mom. And in today's world, it's even worse! Not only do we strive for that perfect house, and perfect meal, but we add in doing perfectly at our job, making sure our perfect offspring look and act perfect. We need to throw the perfect birthday party, make the best cookies for the bake sale, have ground breaking ideas for the PTA, get the laundry done in perfect time for crazy shirt day at school, host the perfect dinner party and never forget to upload perfect looking pictures and updates on Facebook and Twitter!

Look, I'm exhausted from just thinking of a day like that. Actually attempting to live it? Forget about it! I want to introduce you all to a new Mom. She's called RealisticMom. Here is what I love about RealisticMom. She is brazen enough to do school drop off in her slippers. She also knows that sometimes, it's ok to have a frozen pizza for dinner. RealisticMom doesn't always have the dishes finished or the floor vacuumed. RealisticMom even has the gall to bring store bought cookies to the bake sale, because last night? She was busy. Or tired. Or both! Who cares what the reasoning, RealisticMom just knows when to draw the line and say enough is enough.

We have all had those occasions when company shows up unexpectedly, and we scurry around shoving things in closets, drawers and laundry baskets that get hurriedly shoved in our bedroom. But WHY? Why do we care if there is a pile of laundry that needs folding sitting out? Does it matter that there are eleventy seven legos scattered on the floor? It doesn’t! If you ask me, those are probably signs that instead of spending your day cleaning and organizing, you spent time with your kiddo. And I’m willing to bet a years worth of laundry that 20 years down the line, your child will remember that afternoon building a space ship out of legos, and NOT that you brought in the biggest donation with your cookies at the bake sale.

Come on, admit it. It's freeing. Join me in shouting from the rooftops. Your house is a mess and you just don’t care that much! That sure, it would be ideal to have everybody’s clothes and backpacks laid out neatly before you go to bed, but what REALLY happens is that the alarm didn’t go off, you didn’t have time to shower, and just touched up yesterday’s hair. And that the kids ate pop tarts in the car, meaning there are now crumbs in the car. It happens!! And frankly, if it never happens to you, I don’t think we’d be very good friends. SuperMom is dead at my house, but RealisticMom is alive and kicking. I may not be the neatest or most organized, but I sure have fun along the way.

Beco Baby Carrier WINNER!!!!!

2011-11-18T23:06:00.000-06:00

This was SUCH an awesome giveaway! A big shout out and THANK YOU to Beco, for sponsoring this giveaway. I truly think they have an AWESOME line of products and I'm eager to work with them in the future! Thanks, Beco!!

I suppose you want to know who the winner is, hmm?! Thanks to random.org, I can tell you!

151 is:

Congrats to Amber! Amber, you have 48 hours to claim your Beco!!!

Safeway is run by Asshats.

2011-11-16T07:45:00.000-06:00

I recently read an article about a couple caught shoplifting with their child. A modern day Bonnie and Clyde, if you will. Hitting up stores, shoplifting goods, dodging security and using their adorable tot as a distraction. Images of using the stroller to hide the stolen goods popped to mind. What kind of parents do this?! Is an iPod really worth losing your child? What good can come of this, and most importantly, what the heck is wrong with these idiots that they think it's ok to shoplift and set this example for their child?!

Except. They "shoplifted" a $5.00 sandwich at Safeway.

http://news.yahoo.com/pregnant-mom-says-sandwich-arrest-horrifying-214407004.html

I won't lie, when I first saw the headline, I thought smugly to myself "Serves them right, what kind of morals are they teaching their kid?!" and then had the usual self indulgent "I'm a better parent than that!" thoughts. If you deny ever having those, you, my friend, are a LIAR. That's a blog post for another day, though! The further I got into the article, the more dumbfounded I became. I'm assuming that you probably read it, but I'll bottom line this for the lazies (no judgement, just helping you out!) out there. They had just moved to the area (Hawaii), didn't know the neighborhood, needed some groceries, and ended up at Safeway. Mom is pregnant, they have a young daughter. Dad went and got a pre-made deli sandwich for them all to share while shopping. Mom held on to the wrapper so she could pay when they checked out. They bought $50 worth of groceries, Mom forgot to hand over the wrapper. Security stopped them, took them in the office, and called the police. They were arrested, daughter went to social services, and they were booked. They were released almost immediately after paying their $50 bail, but their daughter wasn't returned for 18 hours, until after they contacted a lawyer. The lawyer advised them to alert the media.

Now, let me back up for a minute here. I don't at all blame Safeway for having a hard stance on shoplifting. It is a real problem and drives up prices for the rest of us. There are tons of people who DO shoplift. Have you ever been in line at WalMart at the self checkout, where some assclown in front of you is shoplifting stuff right and left? Checking one thing, but bagging 3? This enrages me. And if I happen to be talking to you (as in, somebody who actually does this), please know I report it to the store. So, I get it. The store loses money, in turn they increase prices, we have to pay them. Even celebrities aren't immune to this. I'm sure we all recall the Winona Ryder incident. And in more recent times, Lindsay Lohan and the infamous necklace. (I'm a celebrity gossip junkie. Don't judge me.) I am all for charges being filed and people being punished. In some countries, they cut off your hand for stealing! Maybe that would scare ole' Linds' straight?!

But. And there is a big but here. Let's pick our battles, shall we? Shame on Safeway. It really doesn't seem to be that the family was out to steal the sandwich. The Mom held on to the "evidence" (the empty wrapper) for Pete's sake! Clearly she intended to buy the sandwich. How many of you have done this before? There have been many times that something lay forgotten in my cart or under my purse. Not to mention when you have a case of water or toilet paper on the bottom rack of the cart! Or how about that box of animal crackers you gave to junior to keep him quiet? It happens, and it doesn't mean people were intentionally stealing. The parents' reaction was immediately surprise and embarrassment. They apologized and immediately tried to pay for the sandwich. Instead they were perp walked (I also watch a lot of Law & Order: SVU) through the store and into the managers office. The manager refused to let them pay, and instead called the police. Great use of city funds, and rescue workers time, right? Those $5.00 sandwich thieves are a real threat to society. Since they had their daughter with them, Child Protective Services was called, and the little girl was whisked away from the "monsters" parading as her parents. So much for the aloha vibe in Honolulu.

I don't understand the end game here. What was the goal? To have them arrested and taken away in handcuffs and in squad cars? To make them pay the $50 bail? TO TAKE AWAY THEIR CHILD?? Bravo, Safeway. I really have to call it like I see it. Safeway, the handling of this particular situation earns you the douche of the day award. I am floored that the police even arrested these poor people. And I can't even fathom what that poor Mother went through when her daughter was taken out of her arms. How about that sweet baby girl? She had never spent a night away from her family. How do you think it went for her, Safeway? Are you proud of yourselves, for keeping her away from her "terrible" parents? I really hope that this was a case of a rogue manager who just didn't know when to say "enough". But that still doesn't make it right. Safeway had better bring their A game to the table, and try to make things right. Nothing will make the humiliation of the parents, or the trauma their daughter suffered disappear, but Safeway should be bending over backwards to help these people.

Stealing is not right. I think it's great that Safeway does seem to be on the ball, and I have no issue with the store asking them to pay for their goods. But really? Arresting them? Calling social services? Where do we draw the line? Don't we want our kids to grow up with morals AND compassion? Safeway really missed the mark. How about you? What did you think when you read the story? Do you agree with Safeway, or think they crossed the line?

$500 Black Friday CASH Giveaway!!!

2011-11-14T00:01:00.008-06:00

This Giveaway organized and brought to you by A Well Being and The Busy Womanís Guide to Surviving Motherhood

Need a Little Extra Spending Money this Holiday Season? How about a LOT?! Enter to win $500 Cash (via PayPal). That is a LOT of Snuggies and ShamWOW's, people!!! Several Bloggers and Businesses(myself included!) have joined together to make your Black Friday the best yet! Newly Wed, Newly Bred is excited to be participating in this awesome giveaway!

Using the Rafflecopter below, all you have to do is Like, Follow, Subscribe and/or tweet as directed. You can do all or just some of the entries. Please note that all entries are subject to verification and must be complete (this especially applies to email subscription ñ you must confirm your subscription for it to count). AKA: If you don't want to do them all, that's ok, but be SURE the ones you do are complete! It would suck to win, and be disqualified for an incomplete entry!

The $500 Black Friday Cash Giveaway starts on Monday November 14^th, 2011 12:01AM EST and ends on Wednesday November 23^rd, 2011 11:59AM EST

Here is a list of all Participating Blogs and Businesses:

The Busy Womanís Guide to Surviving Motherhood

A Well Being

KidClings

It Works - Jessica Pena

LaMomba

Thrifty Divas

Multitasking ñ All Day, EverydayÖ

Sapphire Says It All

Mamalouís Gems

Sprinkle Me Pink

Indiana Coupon Savers

Debs Dealz

Spilled Milkshake

Learn How to Crochet

Learn How to Make Bows

Newly Wed, Newly Bred

It Works! - Desirea Garcia

Burning Moon

Best of Luck! Open Internationally and all you need is a PayPal ID to receive payment!

T-Mobile Porn

2011-11-13T07:39:00.005-06:00

So last night I was cruising around the web, checking out gender friendly doll houses (that's a post for another day). The TV was on, but I really wasn't paying much attention. We were catching up on Supernatural, but it was a commercial. Don't ask me why we didn't fast forward through the commercials, because I have no idea.

So there I sat, immersed in a world of wooden toys, trying to find non-pink stuff for my little guy, when all of a sudden I hear a Christmas classic that has gone terribly, terribly wrong. I love Christmas. And I have grown to love it even more with a toddler around to enjoy it with. Every fiber of my being is telling me that Christmas stuff can't be put up until after Thanksgiving, but man, we are ready to start celebrating in this house. So, I was humming right along with "Winter Wonderland" while it played on TV.

Until.

Until I hear "orgy speeds, they are blistering" and think... what in the blue fuck kind of song is this?!?! My head snaps up, and I see some ho in a pink dress strolling around a bunch of elves in some weird silvery get up, and hot pink hair. I become even more confused. An orgy of elves with pink hair? Huh? And then it's followed up by "Walking in an orgy wonderland!" What kind of Christmas fuckery is this?!?!

We all know that I am not the most politically correct person. (You are welcome). I love a dark twist on just about anything. Have you seen Bad Santa with Billy Bob Thornton? That movie is as twisted as they come, and I find it absolutely hilarious. So, to be honest, I have no issues with a song about an orgy wonderland. What's with the blog post then, you ask?

I want to know which asshat in the T-Mobile marketing department headed up this mess. Haven't they heard of test audiences? I can't believe that they would have created this hot pink nightmare and not one single person would have spoken up to say "Hmmm. A 4G wonderland. Sounds an awful lot like orgy wonderland, dontcha think?" I actually sincerely hope that there was a test audience, and they all thought the same thing I did. And then decided it would be an epic move for the history of test audiences to nod and smile and say it was the best effing holiday commercial of all time. And then laugh hysterically every time that shit plays on the TV. Kudos, test audience. Slow. Fucking. Clap. I mean, how else could this have possibly played out? Who headed up this campaign, Ron Jeremy? Come ON! America's mind is in the gutter and we like sleaze!

Exhibits A through I-Could-Go-On-Forever.

Disney star gets the J-Lo makeover.

The ever demure flower we call Courtney Stodden

Another former Disney ho, making out with her Mom. If this doesn't say klassy, I don't know what does.

Snookitina parading around pantsless.

All of these charming pieces of American culture are proof that when given a choice, America goes for the sleaze. Hey, I'm all for it, because it's entertaining as hell. But what kind of simpleton comes up with "Walking in a 4G wonderland" and can't figure out that most of America is going to hear "orgy"??? Kudos, T-Mobile. Really, well done. And hey, if you have an opening in the marketing department, let me know. I can help you class up all kinds of holiday beauty, I promise.

No-Sew Fleece Car Seat Poncho

2011-11-08T20:48:00.000-06:00

A poncho for use in a car seat? Huh? Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you why! The quickest and easiest explanation is to just watch the video below.

(I did not make this video. I think it's an excellent video and have shared it with lots of people. Kudos to the Mama who made it!)

So. Big coat = bad idea. Enter the car seat poncho! Now, there are plenty of sites that sell fleece ponchos for kids. However, most of them are $35.99 and up. That's not really in my budget right now. My awesome friend Kim found a no-sew tutorial on how to make one yourself, which I was alllll over. Because, I can't sew! Like, at all. So I needed something a monkey could do, and this is it. It's cheap, quick, and easy! I spent about $15 on everything. I'm sure you can get it cheaper, I didn't really shop around or look for coupons. The fleece was 30% off at Hobby Lobby, and that was good enough for me!

Supplies:

2 coordinating fleece fabrics. (I bought a yard of each. I then cut it down to a 36x36 square, so you could get less.)

Ribbon for neck. Or you can use a piece of the scrap fleece. I can't cut straight, so I went with a coordinating ribbon. Either works!

Sharp scissors.

Measuring tape.

I chose a fun robot print fleece, and then a coordinating solid for the back. This poncho is reversible! You could use just one piece of fleece, but two is much warmer.

I laid the fleece out and used my measuring tape to measure a 36" by 36" square. Before I cut the square I tried to match up the fleece pieces as well as I could, so I'd have less trimming later. I also trimmed off the remnant edge, since it was kind of curled up. I trimmed it up as best I could, but it was definitely not perfect. In the end, it doesn't matter though, since it will be fringed.

Here is the finished square.

After cutting the square, I folded one corner over to the opposite corner and matched up all the edges. This is when I did a bit more trimming. Again, it doesn't have to be perfect!

I used my measuring tape to find the middle of the long edge of the triangle. I put a small snip with my scissors there, or you could mark it with a pen or pencil. The center is where the hole for the head will go. I chose to find something round and 3-4" in diameter to use for the cut out. The bowl to my Santa Scentsy warmer happened to fit the bill. I told you, this is a fly by night kind of operation. I won't judge you if the base of your bong happens to be the right size.

Since the fabric was folded in half, I knew I only needed to trace half the circle. I put the bowl down on the fabric (just half of it!) and traced it with a pen. Because the blue is going to be the "inside" of this poncho, I wasn't too worried about a pen mark. If you have two fun fabrics and you do plan to use both sides, you might want to use chalk. Or, you know, just wash it. That is one step too many for yours truly, though.

I then cut out where I had traced. Voila. Instant head hole. You want to cut neatly, but exact precision isn't totally necessary. You can't tell when it's being worn.

Now enters the more tedious work. Still easy, just takes a bit of patience! You want to fold the edge of the opening over about 1". I just eyeballed it. This is not exact science! This is no sew for bitches like me-- who can't thread a needle. AKA: ghetto crafting. :)

Once you have the opening folded over about an inch or so, you are going to put in small snips around the perimeter of the opening. At most 1/2". I did mine an inch-ish apart. This is where you are going to weave the ribbon or fleece strip, to keep the pieces of fleece together. Make sure not to cut all the way to the edge. Smaller is better here. I know. Goes against everything we know when it comes to men and things like diamonds. But, just trust me.

This is how it looks after you have snipped, and woven the ribbon through the openings. As you can see, mine are not all exactly even. Ok, let's be honest. Mine aren't even at all. But you know what? It still works! Please note: You can absolutely take more time with this project and measure things out precisely. That is not at all my bag, and if I tried, I would lose interest 1/3 of the way through. I am an instant gratification girl, and I just want to get it done! Really, it's pretty incredible that I didn't just chuck a piece of fleece at the kid and tell him to cover up. f

This is where I kind of forgot to keep taking pictures. However, there is really only one more step, so you aren't missing much. The fringe!!!

I laid out the square again, and began cutting fringe along each edge. I made my fringe about 2" in length. I didn't want to mess with trying to cut the fringe at angles in the corners, so I cut out a 2" square in each corner. It worked perfectly!

After cutting the fringe (it takes a bit, but it's not too bad), I began tying the fringe together. You can do just a regular square knot. I actually just did a half knot. (For those of you not up on your knot lingo, the first half of tying a shoe lace) Mostly because I'm lazy. I figured I'll see if that works, and if they start coming undone, then I'll go back and do the square knot. Now the poncho is woven together at the neck, and tied together around the bottom edges!

Something to note: The 3" opening for the head and neck looked really small. It is NOT small. In fact, I could have done it smaller. Fleece stretches quite a bit, so there is plenty of give. I actually tightened up the neck some when I tied the ribbon after putting it on. And Carson does not have a tiny head.

And there you have it! Cheap, simple and easy! From start to finish it took me an hour to an hour and a half. And as you can see from the pictures, exact measurements truly don't matter in the end. There is nothing wrong with doing them, but if you are like me and want it done quickly, you can wing it and still get a great result! I'm going to test this out in the car tomorrow, and I'll get some pics!

Modeling his "yo-bit" (that's robot, for those who aren't fluent in Carson-ese) poncho! To use in the car, you can either put it on before getting in the car/car seat and lift up the poncho to buckle them, or buckle them in, and slip on the poncho after.

PLEASE NOTE: The poncho should NOT go behind your child's back while in the car seat. Just drape it up on the back of the seat. Since their back is against the car seat, they will be plenty warm.

King's Pointe Resort SALE!

2011-11-04T19:36:00.000-05:00

This summer we had the opportunity to head to King's Pointe Resort for a few days and check it out. We had a GREAT time, and you can read all about my review on their hotel and resort here. I wanted to let any of you who will be around for the holidays and looking for something fun and different to do that King's Pointe will be running a "Home for the Holidays" special, and will be open from November 23rd - November 27th. The rates start at only $89.00 per night and that includes a 4 pack of water park passes! You can skip the Black Friday madness, and relax in a nice indoor, heated water park with the family! This is definitely a great time for a mini family vacation! For more info, check out the King's Pointe website, and tell them I sent you!

Beco Baby Carrier Review and GIVEAWAY!!!!

2011-11-01T11:48:00.004-05:00

Some of you may remember that not too long ago, I did a review on the Beco child sized carrier. It was a huuuuuge hit in our house, and I'm a big fan of the Beco company. Lucky for me, they asked if I would like to partner up again, to review a Beco Baby Carrier!!

Beco is one of the biggest names on the market when it comes to baby carriers. Good baby carriers, that is! The other is Ergo. Many, many parents find themselves looking for an excellent carrier, and try to choose between the two. While both are great options, I'd like to touch on some of the features that makes the Beco really stand out.

Beco carriers are made in the USA, which is important to me. I know that the workers are getting a fair wage and working in good conditions, not to mention that Beco is supporting the US economy. I think that's great, and something to be really proud of. I love to buy American made products, and I feel this is am important fact to know, as many other carriers are NOT made in the US.

If you are not brand new to the baby wearing scene (or cloth diapering, even natural parenting), you know that something you hear a lot is "You can make your money back by selling it". Well, yes. You can make some money back. But the fact is, as proper babywearing becomes more main stream (YAY!!), the market is becoming more saturated with carriers. If you've ever checked out any babywearing swaps, or even Craigslist, Ergo carriers are one of the easiest or cheapest to buy. This isn't bad if you are looking for a deal, but if you know you want to resell your carrier later, Beco carriers seem to hold their value much more.

Ergos are also touted as being more affordable as a new purchase. This is true, if you are just referring to the carrier. If you want additional features, such as an organic carrier, or an infant insert (so you can use the carrier from birth), then things start to add up, and it is not necessarily the cheapest purchase any longer. Beco definitely has the leg up here, and all their carriers are organic, and they all come with the infant insert! The price is $140 for all carriers, which really is a great price if you consider you can use it from birth up without any additional purchases.

Let's face it, we all want to be cute, even while we are wearing our little ones. That is something I love about Beco. They have really fun prints, and seem to have something to appeal to any style. In fact, some are so cute, it makes me want to have multiples! I would die of happiness to get my hands on an orange scooter print Beco! The cute factor is definitely not a necessity, but most Mom's and Dad's enjoy it. It's a way to express your style, while keeping your baby close. I will say that some Dad's aren't a huge fan of prints, which is why I often hear the Ergo referred to as "Daddy friendly". Keep in mind though, that Beco does have solid colored carriers. Check out these fun prints!

The biggest and most unique feature that Beco offers is the inner panel. This is a panel inside that carrier that goes between your body, and baby. The purpose is to boost infants up, so they aren't buried in the carrier. Awesome feature, right? The great part is that when you no longer need it, you can remove it from the Beco butterfly! It's included in the cost of the carrier, but when not needed, it easily comes out. Something super unique that the panel offers is the ability to remove the carrier and leave the child in it, and pass it to another person to wear. Most baby carriers are designed so that the carrier holds the baby against your body, so once it comes off, the baby comes out. With the insert in it (and in use) the baby is still securely inside the carrier! It's awesome for when you have a napping baby, and don't want to worry about taking them out and waking them up. This is also a great feature for new parents and new babywearers. You can put the babe in the carrier, then pick it up and put it on. Many people get very nervous trying to get a baby on their back, and wrangle a carrier around them. While it gets much easier with practice, this can offer a lot of security and confidence to a new baby wearer! I don't have a newborn, or small infant so this baby doll will have to suffice!

You can easily place baby in the carrier and then put the carrier on!

Super simple, and secure!

Here are two pics showing how easy it would be to transfer baby in the carrier to another adult. (please note: NEVER hook an actual child to any object while in the carrier. Sort of "duh", but you never know. This is just an example so you can see how it works!)

Baby is happy and secure!

Something you won't necessarily find on either website is how the two carriers compare while in use! I have used several Ergos (regular, organic and performance) and a Beco. I do think both are good carriers, to be clear. However, if I was faced with a choice between the two, I would choos a Beco. While the Ergo does offer more options for types of carries (you can do a front, back or hip carry), I'm not a fan of hip carries in SSCs, so that would be out for me. I also feel that the Ergo back carry is very low. I much prefer a high back carry, and I'm not able to get a comfortable high back carry in an ergo, though I can with a Beco. Because of this, the Beco feels more supportive for me. The Beco is also more comfortable for me. While both offer chest clips (a great feature!), I could wear the Beco comfortably without it. However, the Ergo straps would not stay up on my shoulders without it. The last thing I'd like to touch on is that I feel the Ergo has a short body. This is not an issue for some, but we have a very long torso-ed son. He's also in the 98% (or more, depending on the month) for height. The Ergo is still supportive, but the shorter body panel does make it easy for him to lean back, away from my body. I have never felt that he was in danger of falling out, but it does make wearing him more uncomfortable.

There is no doubt that both are great options for safe babywearing. When faced with the the plethora of crap carriers on the market (Snuggli, Bjorn, Infantino), I would much rather see a parent choose a safe and supportive carrier. And I know there are plenty of people that the Ergo does work for. However, if you are trying to decide between the two, there are definitely some great things to review that will help make your decision. I really love the beauty of the Beco, I'm not going to lie! I'm a sucker for anything cute. The Aiden print is one of my absolute favorite prints, and Beco was awesome enough to let me choose a print that I love. I can't wait to have a new squish to snuggle in it! But I also love knowing that I'm supporting a US made product and one that I don't have to pay extra for to get in organic, or to get an infant insert. It's everything all in one!!!

Hopefully you found the pics helpful! I had some great ones of me using the Beco, but my camera ate an entire batch of pics! I will be taking some more to add, but I don't want to hold up the review, so I'll just add them in later!

I also have some GREAT news for my pretty little stalkers! Beco has generously offered up a carrier to one of you!! How great is that?! Beco giveaways are hard to come by, and I am very excited to be partnered with Beco to offer it to you! The first entry will be mandatory, and all others are for extra entries! Please note, you MUST be a subscribed blog follower to participate! If you aren't, just click the google friends connect button on the left, and become a follower! Make sure to leave a separate comment for each way you enter!

Go to the Beco Facebook page. Become a fan (or just note if you already are) and be sure to leave a comment saying I sent you! This entry is mandatory!!
Go to the Beco website and look around. Tell me which Beco is your favorite!
Follow Beco on Twitter! Be sure to tweet them some love!
Go to the Newly Wed, Newly Bred Facebook page. Become a fan, and leave a comment!
Subscribe to my blog! Link on the left, don't forget to activate your subscription, or the entry doesn't count.
Follow me on Twitter! Link is to the left!
Blog about this giveaway. You must include a link to this giveaway, and leave me the link to your post!
Tweet this giveaway! 2x daily, at least 3 hours apart. Be sure to include a link to the giveaway. You can use this if you want: @Mom2ChunkyMonky & @BecoBaby are having a giveaway! Enter here: http://bit.ly/tJkmiM

Fine Print: This review is sponsored by Beco. I was supplied with a Beco Butterfly II carrier in exchange for my review. This review is honest and truthful, and all are my own thoughts. Giveaway ends 11/18/11. Winner will be chosen by random.org and will have 48 hours to claim prize. All winning entries will be verified. If entries are falsified, another winner will be selected. Open to US and Canada.

Guess who is going to SCHOOL?!?!

2011-10-28T06:35:00.000-05:00

I can't really believe that my baby is old enough for school. How did this happen?! Alas, he IS old enough, and so he started preschool! He only goes one day a week for the morning session. I figure he has 3 years ahead of him before kindergarten, so just once a week is enough!

We talked about school a lot, and how he would get to go and meet new friends and have lots of fun. I figured he'd love it, but wasn't sure how the initial drop off would go. His 'Ma and 'Pa (grandMA and grandPA.. he totally came up with this. Yes, we live like Little House on the Prairie) baby sit him quite often, and he has no issue with us leaving, but he knows them really well. He hasn't ever really been left anywhere else.

Lucky for me, he did AWESOME! He was SUPER excited about school. We got there, and he could barely stand still for me to get a picture! We had been the week before for a short meet and greet, so he'd seen his room and met his teacher. He marched in there like he owned the place! He put his backpack up and started playing. I watched for a few minutes, and then told him I was going to go bye bye, but I'd be back later to get him. He got a concerned look on his face, and I braced myself for some crying, but what did he say? "Mommy, you go bye bye, but I stay and pay (play) my friends, ok?" Little turkey was just worried I was going to make him leave!

Happily, school has continued to be a great experience for him! He LOVES his school, and LOVES his teacher. Mrs. K is such a great lady, we are lucky to have her for his teacher. I almost wish he was going more than once a week, because every day he asks to go! All in all, it's been awesome for him. Without further adieu, here are a few pics!

Standing outside his classroom.The scowl is because he wanted to go IN, not stand for a picture.

Mrs. K taking off his backpack.

Showing him where to hang his "packpack".

Checking out his classroom!

Carson and his buddy Logan! They are in the same class, and have a blast together.

Pinterest has made me quasi-crafty

2011-10-24T07:16:00.001-05:00

Pinterest is like crack. I'm not kidding. On so many levels. Finding new things to pin. New crafts. new things to repurpose. Gifts to make, costumes to sew, food to cook. Then you get all jazzed when people start following your boards. People you know, random people, it doesn't matter. Seeing how many repins you get each week. It's all addicting. I swear Pinterest is a bigger time suck than Facebook, and that bitch is the mother of all time sucks!!

Recently we started redecorating C's room. We (I) decided to go with a groovy guitars theme, because, well because I love lime groovy guitars. Thank you Michael Miller for your awesomeness. Anyway, we had this old bookshelf in his room, and it was just uggo. Looked like typical bachelor furniture. (It was). So, we decided to paint it and give it a new look, thanks to all my inspiration from Pinterest. Off to Home Depot we went, with a groovy guitars hat in hand, and they made a custom paint to match! So, with a sand block, some paint and a brush, we had a complete transformation!

I don't have many pics because seriously, there was nothing to it. Sanded it down just a bit to rough it up, then painted it!

Sorry for the crap lighting.

Pretty cool, huh?!

While Tom was working on that, I had my own little project going on. I found packs of picture frames in groovy guitar-ish colors on clearance at Target. I snagged 2 packs of 3 each in lime and aqua. I wanted to turn a few into chalk boards for Carson to draw on! So, I made a trip to Michaels and snagged some Martha Stewart chalkboard paint on sale. That stuff comes in lots of different colors! This project was super easy, too. I took the glass out of the frames and painted each piece with 2 coats of chalkboard paint. That was it!! They turned out great, and C really digs them!

The supplies.

The frames from Target. Each 3 pack was $5.

The Martha Stewart chalkboard paint.

Sanding block to rough up the glass. I ended up not doing that, and it still worked fine!

First coat!

Easy peasy!

The finished project!

TerraMade Adoption Fundraiser!

2011-10-23T15:25:00.000-05:00

TerraMade is a company I love! If you'll remember, I reviewed their dyer balls (which I adore, and want more of!) a while back. Well, Terra, being the sweetheart that she is, is holding an awesome fundraiser for some friends of hers who are adopting! I happen to have very good friends who adopted a little boy from Korea 2 years ago, and who are actually leaving on Monday to go to Korea and adopt their son's half brother! So adoption is something that is near and dear to my heart!

Anyway, the fundraiser is an auction going on over at the TerraMade Facebook page, and there are some great things up for grabs! An absolutely adorable quilt that is crib sized, some adorable shirts, and even some interlock longies! Oh, and a super cute giraffe outfit! So, head over and check it out, it's a great cause!

Touch A Truck 2011

2011-10-22T20:30:00.000-05:00

This post is mostly a photo bomb. If you'll remember, we went to Touch A Truck last year, and it's one of our favorite events. I'm so thankful for the Child Saving Institute for putting it on! It's so much fun, and Carson loves it. For those not familiar with this type of event, it is a gathering for children, where fire, rescue and other work/construction vehicles are brought in. The kids are allowed to get in/on the vehicles and explore them. The event is totally free! You do have to wait in line at each vehicle, but it's totally worth it! It's a really cool way for kids to become familiar with different vehicles, and also see rescue equipment up close. Carson was SO jazzed to get in the fire truck! They also had fire equipment out for the kids to check out. C got to wear a real fireman helmet and hold a fire hose!

I was pretty stoked to see a restored '57 Chevy that was painted as a police car! Being the Nebraska Chevy girl, I'm always on the lookout for cool and unique Chevys! This was definitely one, and it was neat to get Carson's picture inside of it!

Also, check out last year's pics and compare to this year! It was a much warmer day this year, but look how much older Carson looks! Last year he still had a bit of a baby face, but not this year. I can't believe how big he's getting!

When Customer Service Goes Awry (Alternately titled: "headdesk")

2011-09-29T14:47:00.000-05:00

Have you ever gone somewhere- grocery store, bank, dry cleaners, starbucks- where you receive "customer service" (I'm using this term extremely loosely), and end up leaving and wondering where in the blue fuck they found the moron who was helping you?

I have.

I suck at having checks on hand. I own that. I haven't ordered checks probably ever, since opening our checking account. However, we rarely use checks. Aside from rent and maybe one lone bill that refuses to join the current decade and get online with e-payments, we just don't need them. On the off occasion that we did, we just went to the bank and had them print one. So, there you have it. I'm lazy, and cheap.

Enter preschool. It has begun, and tuition is due the first week of each month. As I was toting the ankle biter to his first day, I realized I needed to pay them. I'm sure he'll eventually be labeled as the kid with the bad mom who swears, but I at least want to give him a fighting chance. So, after I dropped him off, I went to the bank.

Now, I have gone to this bank countless other times, and asked them to please print a blank counter check for me. Never had an issue. I walked in, and quickly took stock of the available tellers. A guy with a stack of paperwork in front of him, and older lady who was painfully slow at refilling a brochure stand, and a young girl who smiled at me. Ding ding ding! We have a winner! I went up to Margarita's window. No, I'm not kidding. That was her name. It was on a name plaque. I exchanged the mandatory pleasantries, pulled out my ID and bank card and said "I need a blank check printed out, and I'd also like to take out $100." I mean, this seems pretty standard, no?

She seemed to struggle at grasping the concept. While she stood there looking like a wild deer staring into the headlights of the semi about to mow her down, I got to take in the full beauty of Margarita. Let's start with the hair. Sister was rockin' the bumpit. She had to have been. There is no way hair can get that high without plastic assistance. Now, a bumpit alone, I wouldn't knock. Sometimes you just need to look like a texas housewife. The beauty was that she had (at least what I assume to be) the currently trendy long swoopy side bang. Cool. I have them too. But apparently that day, she wasn't feeling the swoopy bang. So, she gathered them up and twisted the tuft of hair then pinned it straight back. Like there was a nice little vienna sausage right in the middle of her hair. Sexy. That's when the bumpit came into play. So, vienna sausage, then unnaturally high, pouffed up hair. It doesn't end there. The ~~beauty~~ monstrosity continued. With a high ponytail, adorned with a neon scrunchy. I don't even know where you can buy a scrunchy these days.

It's moments like these when I wish it was socially acceptable to just pull out your cell, and snap a picture of the horror you are being exposed to.

By this time, she had been fully stumped by my request, and had begun questioning me. "Do you mean a money order?" No, I do not mean a money order. If I had meant money order, I would have said money order. "Um, no. I mean a check. A blank one. Where I can fill out the info." I was met with another bambi stare. "Oh. I don't think we do that." Well, yes. Yes, you DO do that. "Do you think maybe you could check with your supervisor? I've had checks printed lots of times before."

Now this is where I should have just cut my losses and run screaming from the building. I wasn't that smart, though. She finally figured out what I was asking for. Usually this takes 2-3 minutes to do. The 2-3 minute window had come and gone and we were at the ELEVEN minute time frame. I don't know if you've ever stood at a bank counter for eleven minutes, but there isn't much to do. That's when I noticed Miss USA's divine fashion sense. Either the stirrup pants are coming back, or she robbed somebody with an epic 80's wardrobe. Stirrup pants. Jacket with shoulder pads. And the best part? A big elastic belt, a la Peggy Bundy. The neon orange nail polish sealed the deal. By this time, I am having a hard time not laughing. I mean, it's not like she was just stuck in the 80's. She had to be 22ish years old, maybe? It was horrifically awesome.

Margi finally managed to show that check book who was boss, and brought it over. I reminded her about the $100 I needed. This was the point when we embarked on a five minute conversation on how I'd like the money. "Any size bills are fine. Whatever you have." To me, that's pretty explanatory. But she began offering me every variation of bill combos she could think of. I really started to think I was on Punk'd. I mean, somebody HAD to be screwing with me, right?! There are very few kinds of fuckery worse than what you encounter at WalMart. But this social interaction FAIL made me yearn for the filth of WalMart.

I did finally leave with my check and my $100. But Margarita kept a half hour of my time I'll never get back, and a little piece of my soul, that died right in front of her.

First Day of Preschool!

2011-09-29T12:27:00.000-05:00

How is it even possible that my little chunky monkey is old enough for school!?!?! Ok, it's not REALLY school. It's only 1 day a week for 2 and a half hours. But still. Wasn't it just yesterday that he made his ginormous entrance into the world?!

School is actually going really well for him. He didn't cry when I dropped him off. In fact, he said "You go bye, Mommy. I stay and pay (play) my friends." No separation anxiety there! And when I picked him up, I was rewarded with lots of hugs and kisses. He loves his teacher, and his little buddy Logan is in his class. Which means Logan's Mommy and I get to go hang out and have coffee or shop sans toddlers. It's amazing.

Carson standing outside his classroom

Carson and his teacher, Mrs. K

Carson and his buddy Logan!

Jaws of Life

2011-09-06T13:10:00.000-05:00

Have you ever gotten trapped in an article of clothing in a dressing room? Yeah, me either. But my friend Stephani has! She told me this story the other night at karaoke, and I almost fell off of my chair, I was laughing so hard. Because she's such a good sport, she said I could blog about it. Well, really. Let's be honest. If she'd said no, I probably still would have blogged about it, but I might have changed her name. Maybe.

So, Steph was going on a trip over Labor Day to commune with nature or some shit. Or go tubing down the Niobrara. You know, whichever. She was not excited, as she is not a lover of the outdoors. I can greatly appreciate her feeling. She did point out that for somebody who loves natural products so much, it's odd I don't love nature. I told her that I love those nature based things cut down, chopped up and shoved in bottles for me to use, thankyouverymuch. Anyway, she happened to be at Target, and thought she'd see if she could find a bathing suit on clearance. And what do you know, she found Spanx suits on clearance!

For those who don't know (and who clearly live under a rock), Spanx are satanic torture devices used to "slim and shape" women into whatever shape Cosmo tells us we should be this month. It's basically like a straight jacket for your fat rolls. It takes a full team of men from the Iron Man competitions, a vat of Crisco, and a LOT of praying to get yourself stuffed into it. I'm not kidding. Even the designers knew how sadistic their invention was, because they leave them with open crotches. Why, you ask? Um, so you can pee. Otherwise, you aren't getting out of that puppy. Short of putting in a catheter, crotchless spanx were the only way to eliminate the hoards of women who were getting bladder infections after holding it for hours while wearing these little miracles.

So naturally, Spanx came out with a bathing suit! Who DOESN'T want to feel like Chris Farley in the "fat guy in a little coat" scene from Tommy Boy while at the pool, right?! Right. So, Stephani found a cute Spanx suit on the clearance rack. And since she's clearly a masochist, she tried it on. She got it on and thought it was cute. This is a miracle in and of itself. I mean, women never try on bathing suits and think they are cute. The problem arose when she tried to get it OFF.

Here she was, just happily going about her day, trying on bathing suits. And suddenly she was a prisoner in the spandex prison. I mean, what do you do?! The more you wiggle and tug, the tighter it seems! She said all she could think of were those stupid chinese handcuff toys we all had as kids, the more you struggled, the less likely you were to get free! She had her daughter and stepdaughter there, but they were in the toy department, so she couldn't ask them to set her free. At this point in the story, I had dissolved into a fit of giggles, but I managed to choke out "Did you go to the dressing room attendant and ask her to cut you out?!" before I collapsed into a heap of hilarity again. Can you imagine being that poor teen girl working the dressing room counter, and having somebody come out, trapped in an iron clad death grip courtesy of the sadists at the Spanx company?!?! "Um, excuse me, miss? I know I'm kind of naked. And sweaty. Like, REALLY sweaty. But, could you possibly wrangle me free? Just cut it off. I don't care. At this point I'm willing to cut off my left titty to get out of this thing. HEY!! NOT REALLY! BACK AWAY FROM MY BOOBS!" This is like a new aerobic work out! Get your heart rate pumping, break a sweat! Lose inches, pounds and dignity! Just try on Spanx Swimwear!

Steph was eventually able to get liberation from her Lycra hell without ever leaving her dressing room. Sadly, this means it was NOT caught on Target video surveillance. You can bet your sweet ass if it was, I'd call up Target and try to buy the footage. No, NOT to post on my blog (though that would be hilarious), but to smash the tape to smithereens, and wrap it up with a big bow on it. I'm pretty sure that would be the ultimate sign of friendship and a kick ass Christmas present. By the time she got to the end of the story, I could barely breathe I was laughing so hard. Her wrap up went a little something like this: "So, um... yeah. I think I'm going to join 24 Hour Fitness with you. I'm pretty sure that getting trapped in a bathing suit is not a good sign of being fit."

So, please stay tuned for further adventures in fitness, brought to you by our local 24 Hour Fitness.

Wordless Wednesday... At the Zoo!

2011-08-31T11:32:00.000-05:00

Kings Pointe Water Resort

2011-08-28T20:37:00.000-05:00

This summer I kept hearing radio commercials for Kings Pointe Resort. It touted fun for the whole family with an indoor and outdoor water park right on the premises. And that it was located in Storm Lake, IA. I had never heard of either place, so I of course turned to my trusty friend Google! What I found was a great website and what looked like a pretty awesome resort!

Our family was offered the opportunity to visit Kings Pointe, and do a review for this blog. Of course we jumped at the chance! So, we packed up Chunky Monkey and headed to Storm Lake! Since the interstate is still closed due to flooding, we took back roads. It actually turned out to be a pretty drive, and it's only about 2.5 hours away. Even C, who HATES road trips, managed to keep it together for the ride!

When we pulled up, I was impressed with how large the resort was, and how well kept it was. It's right on the lake, and the town is pretty small. We walked inside, and the lobby was beautiful. Huge windows overlooked the lake, and a big stone fireplace was surrounded by comfy chairs. The view was pretty awesome! The front desk staff was really polite and friendly, and scored extra points with me for saying hi to Carson, and engaging him in conversation. I thought it was really nice that Molly, whom I had been in touch with about our stay, came out to say hello and welcome us.

Now, I've been to several hotels that have amazing lobby areas, and the rooms leave something to be desired, so I was withholding judgement until we got to our room. We were on the second floor, overlooking the lake in a double queen room. Whenever we travel, we try to get a room with a fridge both so we can bring some food to save money, and limit eating out and unhealthy fast food. We had called ahead to ask if our room had a fridge. Not all double queen rooms do, but there are some, and they said they would try to place us in one. Our room was right off the elevator, and did indeed have a fridge.

The room was GREAT! It was extremely large. We had tons of room, and that was not one of the large family suites. We had 2 queen beds, a night stand between them, a full size desk, a large fridge, an armoire with TV, and a huge closet. The bathroom was also really spacious. And the room was just NICE. Nothing looked old, or ratty, as you sometimes find at family resorts. Everything was neat, new and clean. We also had a balcony with a small table and chairs.

Because C won't nap in the car, and had sat in the car for 2.5 hours, we decided that it would be best to just order room service for dinner. There is both a snack bar and a full service restaurant on the property. Taking him to dinner and hoping that he would sit patiently and quietly was probably not going to happen, so we just took the easy way out. :) The Regatta Grille is full service, and even has a bar, much to Mommy's delight! They have a lot of items to choose from, and a kid friendly menu, too. Carson really couldn't have been happier to get Mac & Cheese, applesauce and corn. I will say that the first night we had to wait a long time for our food. I think we ended up calling about it twice, and it took a little over an hour. They were very apologetic, and had apparently gotten a TON of room service orders all at once. When we got the food it was hot, and good!

After dinner, we were ready to check out the water park! The outdoor part closed at 6, so we missed that, but the indoor area was open til 8. We didn't have to leave the hotel to get to the water area, and it was actually a super short walk from our room! The indoor water park is great! The one thing I loved about Kings Pointe is that it is very toddler friendly. There is a zero entry area of the water (both inside and out) and big toddler structures in the water, too. The water inside was plenty warm (not hot, not freezing. Just right, in my opinion) and it wasn't over crowded. There was the toddler play structure, an area to play water basketball, an open area to swim, a mini lazy river, and 3 big water slides. Carson was of course begging to go on the water slides, but I figured he was too short. We were stoked to find he could actually ride on one of the slides as long as one of us was with him! He LOVED the water slide, and dragged Daddy on it over and over!

The big slide that Carson got to ride!

The next day, we got to check out the outdoor water park, and that was just as fun! The water was a lot colder. It did take my breath away a bit, but it also was not a super hot day. And it wasn't unbearable. Carson didn't mind at all! Once again, there was zero entry, and a toddler area with several slides. A water basketball area, and open area to swim. There were diving boards and a super deep part of the pool, and a little splash pad area, too. Then in another outdoor area were all of the big water slides and a lazy river. Once again, we were surprised to see that Carson could ride on one of them with us.

This is the only complaint I have, and it's not so much a complaint, as I just don't "get" it. The water slide he was allowed to ride on was one that you rode on a tube in. So, Tom had to try and keep him balance on the innertube, which was hard. And it was the enclosed slide that had holographic images flashing while you rode, which really just terrified the poor kid. When he got to the bottom, he proclaimed "That scary. Baby no ride more." It just seems weird that they would choose THAT slide for little kids to go on. There was another slide very similar to the one he rode indoors, that you just sat on with no tube. It wasn't scary, and I wish he had been able to ride that. The funnel ride is also pretty awesome! There are TONS of rides to keep everyone in the family entertained all day. We had a quick lunch at the Sarah Lee Snack Bar, and the food was good, hot, and came fast! You could also charge it to your room, so you didn't have to worry about bringing money, which was a big plus for us!

Here are eleventy billion pictures! I tried to get a shot of everything!

All in all, we had a an amazing time at Kings Pointe. Every single staff member we encountered was polite and kind. They all went out of their way to say hello or otherwise engage Carson. The resort is beautiful, clean and best of all? Affordable. The room we were in is $124/night during the week. That includes your water park entrance! It is very family friendly and the resort went out of their way to accommodate our requests both for a room with a fridge, and to check out late. Two hours late, even! The food was good, family friendly and didn't break the bank. This was absolutely a wonderful quick getaway, and we will be returning for sure! If you are looking for a fun mini vacation, you should definitely head to Kings Pointe!

Fine Print: Our family was provided with a one night stay in a double queen occupancy room. We stayed an additional night at our expense, as well as paying for all food ourselves. Everything in this review is my own opinion. :)

Fear.

2011-08-28T00:36:00.001-05:00

So today we took C over to my parents house to swim. That is the norm for us, since they put in a pool. They weren't home, which is less usual, but no biggie. C loves the water, loves to swim, and loves the water slide they put in! We got there about noon, and he was ready to go! Luckily he was all suited and sunscreened up, so as soon as I unlocked everything, opened the pool and turned the slide on, he and Tom got in the water.

I was a bit slower. I had left my suit at my parents the last time we were there. So, I changed, got some ice water, and unlocked the front door, since Stephani and Ashlynn were coming over to join us. I got my sunglasses, camera, Flip video recorder and cell phone together to take outside, and I called my Mom to ask for the play by play on how to get the outdoor speakers to work. Well, and then I had to scroll through eleventy seven billion stations on their squeezebox to find something in English, and from a decade I have at least lived in. (I settled on 80's hits, in case you care).

I gathered all my crap together, and headed outside. Tom couldn't figure out how to get the ginormo umbrella up, so I gave it a whirl. AND figured it out, thankyouverymuch! Carson and Tom had already been swimming for 10 minutes or so. C is pretty fearless in the water. We have one of those puddle jumper floaty things, that works GREAT. He's super fast and mobile in the water, and loves the water slide, too. He does know the rules, though. He's not allowed up the steps in the yard to where the pool is, if the cover is off, and no adult is with him. My parents have an automatic cover, and when it's closed, there is no possible way to get to the water. A grown adult can walk across the cover, and it won't touch the water. Unless you have the key to unlock the box and turn the cover on, he is safe. And he is VERY good about listening. However, the cover is never off if he's there, and not swimming. He also is very cautious about the water without his floaties on. He won't get in without them. We aren't stupid, though. We know an accident can happen, and that it can happen quickly. Carson has jumped in on several occasions without floaties on, while we are with him. He CAN get himself to the edge, which is good, but I would rather not test that theory.

Anyway, all of that rambling to say that we do take the water, and water safety seriously. I don't want my kid to be a sad statistic. So, somebody is always with him. However, we still managed to have an accident.

Back to the story. I was messing around with the umbrella. Tom was in the water. And I heard this sickening thud, immediately followed by the kind of screams that make a Mom's blood run cold. I knew immediately what had happened, and I really didn't want to turn around. I was terrified at what I would find. Carson fell off the 10 foot tall water slide. Before I had taken even 3 steps, I was already thinking how long it would take to get to the Children's ER, and wondering if it would be so bad we'd have to call an ambulance. I am not normally a squeamish person, but I was steeling myself for what I was going to find. I found myself praying for "just" a broken arm or leg. I have NO idea how all of this was going through my head, because it took me all of about 5 seconds to get to him.

I remember screaming at him to "Stay there! Don't move!" but he's two and a half. Do you think he listened? By the time I got to him, he was standing up, and still screaming. The second I picked him up (dumb move, looking back), he had a kung fu death grip on me. I instinctively wanted to get him AWAY from the pool. Thankfully, he started calming down quickly once I held him. I couldn't see any blood, but I wanted a better look. I sat him down and started the search for cuts, scrapes, bruises, lumps, bumps and broken bones. You know what I found? NOTHING. Not a single mark on him. Anywhere. No scrapes, no lumps, no bones at gross and awkward angles. And then? The kid asked for a popsicle.

A friggen popsicle! He falls to what truthfully COULD have been his death, and all he wants is a popsicle? You got it, kid! As he sat eating, I went over him with a fine tooth comb. Bending joints, rotating limbs, pressing on things to see if they'd elicit a yelp. Not a thing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. The little nutter finished his frozen treat, and what did he do? Put his floaties back on, and went right over to the slide, and climbed it, and did his thing. I was both horrified and relieved. I'm glad that he did it on his own, but it was still unnerving to watch.

I'm still in shock.

How is it possible he fell from 10 feet up, landed on cement, and doesn't have a mark? And he was on the TOP of the slide, not part way up the ladder. I don't know. I'll never know. We aren't a particularly religious family. We believe in God, but we don't go to church, we don't actively practice a particular religion. But there is no explanation for my baby not getting hurt in that fall, aside from God. And you know what? I am SO thankful. It's taking a lot of effort tonight to not run in his room, scoop him out of his crib, and just hold him tight, and be thankful that I have the chance to do it.

We did notice a bit later that he has a bit of a limp. I further inspected, and poked, prodded, twisted and turned things. He claims "It not hurt, Mommy!" and is still walking and running (though it looks funny, with the limp!) on it, so we decided to keep an eye on it. There is no swelling, no bruising and no pain anywhere to touch. If any of those things change, or he stops bearing weight, we will of course take him right in. And if he's still limping Monday, it will be off to the pediatrician we go.

Tonight? I'm thankful for God, and my sweet little family.

Here is a video of Carson taken a month or two ago on the slide. This is how a successful trip down the slide appears in his world.

The One Where I Almost Had To Pee in a Parking Garage and Would Have Had to Claim I Had Uromycitisis if I Got Caught, Cause Jess Lost the Car.

2011-08-27T21:14:00.000-05:00

So, a couple weeks ago, I got tickets to the Debbie Gibson (hot blonde, Jess) and Tiffany (old looking red head, Jess) concert at Stir concert cove. Daily Deal Omaha had tickets for $10. Who can pass up the chance to relive their youth for only $10?!?! Uh, nobody. Not even weak Jess,(you really should click that link. It's to her version of the night!) who tried to NOT go, til I called her uber lame.

So, we got the tickets. I was slightly concerned that we would have to tread water during the concert, because of all the flooding. For those who don't know, Stir is an outdoor concert ampitheater. And there is all kinds of flooding right now. In fact, the entire bottom level of Stir's parking garage is under about 4 feet of water. But, we got there early, and sat up on the hill, where it was dry. We had lugged along our camping chairs and a blanket, so we were good to go.

Stephani was supposed to go, but there was a death in her family, so she couldn't make it. Marcia also joined us. Marcia went all out and dressed 80's. Except?! She failed to tell US she was dressing 80's! The best part of her get up was the bright pink blush applied with a heavy hand. So heavy, it even covered her ears!! Hilarz! So, we got there, and parked. We all brought camp chairs to sit on, but I was flying ghetto with my chair not in a bag. Because it's lost. Because we lose things a lot at our house. And usually the camp chairs are used while heavily intoxicated. And when heavily intoxicated, finding the carrying bag doesn't seem so important. So, I dragged that mofo across the parking lot, through the casino, outside, down the sidewalk and to the entrance to the concert. By that point, I wanted to throw the fucker in the trash.

However, I was quickly distracted from my camp chair annoyance, when some dude was handing out flyers for some cause or other. I honestly don't remember what the cause was, but it involved transporting people on busses somehow. As he tried to hand Jess a flyer, she looked him dead in the eye and said (in her cute southern drawl) "Oh, no. No, no, no. I don't support busses." The poor kid sort of looked bewildered and a little scared. I started cracking up. And then I think I dropped my camp chair. And since I'm ghetto and it wasn't in a bag, it opened up. And I was back at square one with the annoyance. They take security pretty seriously at Stir. My purse got searched twice! Either they REALLY want you to buy their $12 mixed drinks, or I look like the sort who would smuggle in a pipe bomb in my Coach purse. I'm betting on the latter.

So, we get inside, and park it up on the hill. We didn't want to be closer to the stage, because with all the flooding we are having, that area of the grass was a wet, swampy mess. And since it is super humid, sitting in that area is just daring some mosquitoes to give you Malaria or West Nile. I love me some Debbie Gibson, but I draw the line at getting exposed to Ebola just to see her rock Lost In Your Eyes. Besides, I'm sure the Electric Youth perfume I spritzed on probably attracted those little mofos!

Marcia went to scope out the adult beverage situation. She came back with vodka and Red Bull, and I did a happy dance, since that is my drink of choice. Then she told me her flimsy assed Dixie Cup drink cost ten bucks. That's American dollars. What. The. Fuck. Then I saw some ho's in some (pretty righteous) 80's prom dresses frolicking around with a 3 foot plastic cup of alcoholic goodness. I asked Marcia how much those were, expecting to hear that it would cost me my left kidney. Shockingly, they were only $12! And refills were $10 or something, I don't remember. So I meandered over to the tiki bar (it was seriously a tiki bar) and ordered "A giant sippy cup of the blue shit, please!" Now, what could be better than 3 feet of alcoholic goodness? I'll tell you what. IT CAME WITH AN EYE PATCH!!!! I think maybe it had Captain Morgan in it. So, I proudly put on my eye patch, and sucked that bad boy down!

What? This isn't the American Dream?

So, the concert got started, and it was awesome! Well, ok. Tiffany was good. It was great when she sang her 80's stuff. Who doesn't love "I Think We're Alone Now", right?! She sang some new stuff, too. She kept claiming that she was "country" now, but it really wasn't very country. Overall, I enjoyed it.

Then Debbie Gibson came out. First of all, she has a rockin' body. It's amazing. And she was FUN. She came out in neon 80's gear, a side ponytail and was just full of energy. She did lots of her old stuff, and even did an awesome medley of other popular 80's stuff. Debbie Gibson singing Michael Jackson? Totally awesome! She had 2 back up dancers, and they were great. She just really put on a fantastic show. At the end she and Tiffany sang Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'", which was great, too. I really could have listened to them sing for a lot longer!

So, the concert wraps up. We pack up our crap and get in the cattle call that was the line OUT of Stir. I still have my ghetto chair. But now I have alcohol on board AND a 3 foot cyclone cup to lug along with me. And the eye patch. It's a miracle that damn chair made it back home, and not in a bush somewhere. So, eleventy seven minutes later we made it out of Stir, and found our way to the parking garage. As we are taking the elevator down, a thought struck me. "Um. Do either of you bitches know what level we parked on? Because I don't. And I have to pee. 3 feet of liquids worth."

Yeaaaaaaah. Our designated driver did not so much note where we had parked. And neither did Marcia and I. So, here we are. Marcia in her 80's/hooker gear. Me dragging my ghetto chair, giant cup and stumbling around with an eye patch, and Jess holding her car alarm thingy (wtf are those called?!) and aiming it an any Kia, pressing the button. We went up. Then we went down. Then we traipsed BACK up. Through a stairwell INFESTED with spiders. Then we went back down. Somebody suggested we go down another level. I had to draw the line somewhere. "Look. I know I drank my height in blue shit, but I was sober when we got here. If we had parked on the lower level, when we opened the door, we would have been re-enacting that seen in "Titanic" when she takes the elevator down into 4 feet of water. I'm pretty sure I would have remembered swimming to the elevator." Because of the flooding, the bottom level of the parking garage is literally under like 4 feet of water!

We finally got on the elevator and started to stop on each floor. Marcia and I held the elevator, and Jess went out and pushed her little alarm thingy majig. We FINALLY found the car. This is when Jess tried to convince me to pee in a storm drain, but I had to draw the line somewhere. Eye patch? Yes. Ghetto chair? Hell yeah. Public Urination? I didn't think Tom would bail me out.

All in all? A good night!

Mini bECO WINNER!!!!

2011-08-27T10:58:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the delay in choosing a winner, my pretty little stalkers! Yesterday was a busy day. Took Chunky Monkey to the Lincoln Zoo with a group of friends (and of COURSE we stopped at Raising Canes!), and then last night was karaoke night with Stephani! More posts on those events later, as I know all you care about it.... WHO WON!!?!?!

Well Random.org chose..... #33!!!

Congratulations, Gwen! Shoot me an email or FB message and I'll get you hooked up with your prize!

Oh, and for those who DIDN'T win, keep an eye out for another post sponsored by bECO!!

A Von Maur Fashion Show

2011-08-23T21:33:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, Mommy's need a time out, too. Not so much a "sit in the corner because you fingerpainted the walls with spaghetti" kind of time out. More of the "I swear if I don't get out of this house and have a meal WITHOUT a kid screaming or putting his fingers in my food, I'm going to snap" kind of time out. If you are a Mom, you know what I mean. You love your kid(s). More than anything. But some days... a nice padded cell sound really delightful.

Lucky for me, I have a best friend who ALSO needs time outs. Since she works full time, her time out is more the "I hate my job, and if I have to sit through ONE MORE FREAKING MEETING about what I do every day (sit in meetings, duh), I might just stab my own eyeball out just to rid myself of the monotony" variety. She also has the added delight of Mommy Guilt for going out, since her dear daughter (or as C likes to call her, MY Ashyn!) is in day care during the day. So, giving up a precious evening with her cutie is even more tough!

However... we manage to get past the kids gripping our legs as we try to leave, and head out on the town. At least once every three months! I know, we live on the wild side. Our evenings out are most assuredly ~~wicked and wild~~ boring to most people. However, a quiet dinner where we can hit up some delish margaritas and follow up the meal with some Red Mango? Pretty much a slice of heaven, in MommyLand. This last time, we decided to shake it up a bit. Instead of heading home 2 hours after we left, we.... gasp, hit the mall. Ten years ago, this really WAS a deadly combination. Steph and I at the mall? Our credit cards tried to make a desperate escape. Oh, how times have changed, though. We did manage to refrain from looking at goods for the munchkins, and instead hit up the shoe clearance room at Von Maur.

Now, any true Omaha shopper knows of the beauty and the atrocity that is the clearance shoe room at Von Maur. On one hand, it's rack after rack of shoes, glorious shoes, and ON SALE!! On the other... the vast majority of the shoes are either in size "Chinese Foot Binding" or "I should just wear shoe boxes, my feet are so big". When you DO find some in a normal size, many seem to be from the Dr. Seuss cast off collection.

So. We decided to have a little fashion show. Much to the horror (or delight. Who knows, I wasn't really paying attention) to our fellow shoppers, we laughed until we cried, and possibly offended a half dozen shoppers.

For the Barbie S&M crowd. Pink satin bondage. Understated, no?

To my horror, when I showed my Mom this picture, she told me she actually purchased these abominations. Thankfully, she returned them.

There is just no excuse for this shoe. The only place it should be sold is at a sporting good store. And only to be worn while white water rafting.

Where do I begin? Why does a ballet flat need a peep toe? And who the fuck thought it would be a fashion WIN to slap one of those sticky backed cheap-o Christmas bows on the toes? Tragic. This is some shit I picture an 85 year old cougar wearing, as she trolls the bar for younger meat.

See my above comment about the Dr. Seuss cast-offs. Where to begin? First of all, shoes don't require hardware. Lose the metal rivets. And slapping some sequins on an ugly-assed design does not a pretty shoe make.

Pretty sure that the skipper of the yacht club has been robbed, and is now shoeless.

Who HASN'T ever woken up, and proclaimed "Yes. YES!! My feet MUST look like a school bus!"

Ahh, a throwback to the hippy era. Nothing says peace and harmony like turquoise lame` flips flops with a freakisly large peace sign on the front. Some kid in a third world country spent hours hand beading that shit!

So. Stephani actually found some shoes worth buying (2 pairs!) and I did too. However, they couldn't find the mate in the back, so Amazon got my shoe money, instead. We were all set to head home after laughing off our dinner, but we made a startling discovery. The HAT department. I'm sure it's always been there, but thanks to Princess Beatrice and the giant ovary she wore on her head to the royal wedding, hats have made quite an amusing debut into the fashion world.

Of course we had to model a few. Can you blame us?

Total sun protection! Forget the fact that you can't see, and are highly likely to walk into oncoming traffic. But you won't get skin cancer!!

I wasn't aware they even made hats big enough to cover my giant dome. It's like a soccer ball. That has to be at least 12 yards of fabric!

Sometimes, you just need to look like a rabbit died. On your head.

This is like the plus sized version of the Blossom hat. It is missing the fugly bow on the front, too. Maybe it's not so big, but Stephani's head is just tiny?!

Yes. A gold sun visor. I mean, who doesn't want to bring a little bling to their tennis serve, right?!

It looks like a bird flew into my forehead. And lost. Megan's dome: 1 Bird: 0

This was by far my favorite hat. I wanted to bring it home with me, but what do you wear with something this awesome?!? There is just nothing that seems right. I mean, who DOESN'T want balls and feathers dangling from strings into their eyes? This is fashion, bitches. Sometimes you have to give up the use of one of your senses. It's called sacrifice.

Now, when Stephani wears it, it looks like the bird is winning, and slowly engulfing her tiny head. Stephani: 0 Bird: 1

This hat empowered me. I felt like I could surely have tea with the Queen. Or pretend to be a 6 year old skipping around on Easter Sunday. You know, whichever. I think really the lesson to be learned is: what hat DOESN'T look awesome on Megan?

This hat would be a stellar choice to go with the Cougar shoes from above. Bet we could even find a cheap Christmas bow to adorn the front!!!

Here is what you have learned: Stephani and Megan don't get out enough. And when they do, security at Von Maur may be called.

Dinner Revolution Review and Giveaway!

2011-08-12T05:45:00.001-05:00

I was recently contacted by Jeff Pirtle about his new cookbook, which is titled "Dinner Revolution". Because cooking isn't my thing, I almost passed on the review, however, we are trying to eat morw healthy and wholesome foods. So, I decided to give it a shot. He actually has THREE books I was givin access to! They are:

As I mentioned before, our family has recently started eating more whole foods, so a cookbook that offered simple and easy recipes was more than welcome. Evenings are tough for us, because C is a late napper, and tends to wake up cranky. So my husband arriving home and a cranky toddler all seem to intersect into a train wreck of an hour, and it is TOUGH to get dinner ready. We like quick and simple meals that we can prepare ourselves, but don't require tons of time in the kitchen. All of these recipes cook in 30 minutes or less, which is perfect, at least in my world! They also have 10 ingredients or less! They are all recipes that in general I think the whole family (no matter your tastes) would be happy to eat. There is a great Asian Chicken Noodle Soup recipe, a really fun Buffalo Chicken and Blue Cheese Meatloaf and even a Barbecue Shrimp Salad. The cook book is broken into sections: Poultry, Seafood, Vegetarian, Pork, Beef, and Simple Sides. You can easily flip to whatever type of food you are in the mood for!

I particularly love the Grocery Store Savings Guide. Many of the tips in the guide I already utilize. The big one I try to follow is "shop the periphery of the store." In most stores the whole foods and fresh foods (fruits, vegetables, breads and grains, meats and dairy) tend to be on the outer edges of the store. By shopping mainly these foods, and avoiding most processed foods, you are offering your family the most nutrition. There are many more great tips in the guide!

The dinner menu planner is an awesome list that you can print out to use for your weekly grocery trips. One side allows you to map out your weekly menu, and the other is for making a grocery list, but it's separated into departments. So, no more getting to the far side of the grocery store and realizing you forgot something all the way on the OTHER side!

Lucky for you, Chef Jeff has offered up a free copy of the cook book to ALL of my readers! This is a great way to venture into healthy and whole eating! All you need to do is click the following link, and follow the instructions! http://www.dinnerevolution.com/free-offer

Digital Photography Classes for Kids!

2011-08-11T18:06:00.000-05:00

I wanted to share this with all my readers! Tracy Havranek (who did our awesome family photos I blogged about here) is now offering Digital Photography Classes for Kids! The classes are limited to 5 kids, and your child will spend an hour and 15 minutes with Tracy learning all about the basics of using their digital camera. Even better? Tracy has offered my blog readers $5 off their class! So head on over to her site and check it out!

Mini bECO Review and Giveaway

2011-08-11T11:46:00.002-05:00

While I don't own a bECO baby carrier, I have long been a fan. I've used a bECO Butterfly I and loved it, and would love to own a bECO Butterfly II or Gemini. So, when bECO contacted me and asked if I would be willing to review a mini bECO, I was really excited, and of course said yes.

The fact is, I've done so much babywearing, that Carson now loves to wear HIS babies! He has 2 mini mei tais (our favorite being our mini Ella Belly, that matches my EB click!), but he doesn't have any buckle carriers of his own. Some stores carry them, knock off doll carriers that are ver similar to "crotch danglers" (meaning they don't put baby in the proper seated position), but I have always avoided those. I love that Carson is interested in babywearing, but I figure he may as well learn proper babywearing from the start!

bECO kindly sent carson a bECO Mini in the Tyler print. It arrived quickly, and as SOON as I opened up the package, Carson knew what it was and went and got one of his "babies" to test it out.

First of all, it's super cute! The print is fun, and not too girly. I love the black and white, with the pop of aqua. bECO has some SUPER cute prints. I'm really fond of the Pony Express print. And just a side note, I totally think they should bring back the mini calaveras print! The skulls were awesome, and C could totally rock that! Anyway, the first "baby" he grabbed was his stuffed dog. Not THE dog (I think we all remember my open letter to Ty), but just one of his stuffed army minions. Stuffed animals are pretty pliant, so it was easy peasy to get dog in there.

The carrier is super easy to use. Like a full size bECO, there is a strap that goes around the waist and buckles, and is completely adjustable. The shoulder straps are very easy to use. Basically they go up over the shoulders, cross in back and come around the front and buckle in the middle of the carrier. It can be used for front or back carries.

Here he's using an actual baby, and the baby fit great, too!

I love that the straps are super adjustable, and it will be able to be used for a long time. It's also made very well. I saw a baby carrier (and I use that term loosely in this sentence) at Build A Bear, and it was seriously a piece of junk. 10 minutes of C using that thing, and it would have been trashed. Carson wore the mini bECO for nearly an hour and was running, jumping, climbing, sliding and just generally being a boy, and it very easily stood up to the rough and tumble he subjected it to. (Side note: he's a 2 year old wearing a toy. Please do not do any of these activities while ACTUALLY wearing a real infant.)

Carson has actually used the mini bECO to double babywear! We put on the bECO, and then he asked to put another baby in there, too. I told him they wouldn't both fit, and then I realized that he had another carrier! So, we broke out the mini Ella Belly, and he was pretty much the king of babywearing, if you ask me! The mini bECO is nice and trim, so it was easy to use a second carrier.

bECO has generously offered to give away a mini bECO carrier to one of my fabulous readers! So, your little gal or guy can rock the babywearing just like C!

The first entry is MANDATORY, and if not completed, you won't be eligible to win. The rest, however, are just extra entries, meant to increase your chances of winning.

Go "like" bECO on Facebook, and give them a little love on their wall. Tell them I sent you!
Follow bECO on Twitter!
Tweet about this giveaway up to 2x daily. Something like: @becobaby & @mom2chunkymonky are giving away a mini bECO, and I want to WIN! Hurry and enter now! http://bit.ly/YRVwr Leave a permalink to your tweets!
Follow my blog! (Link on the left!)
Subscribe by email, and don't forget to activate your subscription
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Become a fan of NWNB on Facebook.
Blog about this giveaway, and include a link to this blog post. Leave me the link!

Fine print: I was provided a mini bECO carrier for this review. All thoughts and opinions are true and my own. Giveaway is open to US residents and runs through 8/25/11. Winner will be selected via random.org and will have 48 hours to claim prize. Winning entries will be verified, falsifying entries will forfeit the prize.

2011-07-13T15:51:00.000-05:00

So, now that summer is here, we are all left with that horrible decision... what bathing suit do I buy? There is the ever eternal one piece, a bikini, a tankini and skirtini.... and that's really about it, right? Of course they all come in eleventy seven different styles, prints and colors.

BUT. There is an untapped market out there! You could be strutting your stuff poolside, and be the hit of the pool. All you need to do? Head to Etsy! It's true! There are endless pages of AMAZING swim suits on Etsy. After careful consideration, I am here to share with you the best of the best.

This stylish number brings a touch of S&M to the pool! And this ensemble would not be complete without the matching wire hanger bracelet. And hey, if you are attacked by a shark and the beach, you can use the metal bracelet to jab it in the eye! Safety and fashion!

Have you been searching for the perfect gift for your fella? Just can't seem to find anything that seems just right? This jazzy little suit doubles as the gift AND the wrapping! What better thing to surprise your loved one with than your boobs, gift wrapped?!

This suit is clearly for the modest. If you prefer to keep things a mystery, this suit is for you. And I imagine that it gets even better when wet!

Too... many.... jokes. Brain is overloading! I don't even know where to start on this one. Clearly this is pure genius. So many times, I've looked at an outfit and thought "Gee, you know what this is lacking? Woodgrain!" Also, cutting out two holes over the hips absolutely makes this cutting edge granny panty chic.

I'm about to order this up for myself, stat. I've always thought that short ruffled skirts should not just be reserved for the under age 8 and the figure skating sets. As a plus sized girl myself, I feel very confident that this would make me look slim, trim and svelte.

Crocheted swim suits seem to be the rage, according to Etsy! I like to call this one "Rasta-riffic". The colors are simply stunning, and I feel confident that there is no way you'd be confused for a trapped animal in a fishing net. Plus, look at the hip ties! They look amazingly strong. No way those will come undone. We wouldn't want to pull a Janet Jackson at the public pool!

This is a throwback from the 80's! Everybody has a secret desire to star in Olivia Newton John's "Let's Get Physical" music video, and this beaut will make you shine like a star! Plus, it's a complete bargain at only $180! American, not pesos. I checked.

I can't even pretend, on this one. All I can say is.... What. the. FUCK?!?!?!

This is titled "Diet Proof". My guess is that parading around at the beach looking like a tin can will scare you away from ever wanting to eat again, thus making ANY diet successful.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to frolic in the waves both looking like Laura Ingalls Wilder from "Little House on the Prairie" AND double as a picnic tablecloth? Now you can!

I'm going to allow you some time to bask in the wonderland of awesomeness I just shared with you. As you come down from that euphoric high of finding that perfect bathing suit, I fully understand that you are going to want to show your appreciation to me. All gifts are accepted, cash and Amazon cards are preferred. I'd happily go for a day of housecleaning while I relax at the spa, though.

Oh. And? You're welcome.

Tracy Havranek Photography!

2011-06-25T10:32:00.002-05:00

I was introduced to Tracy Havranek Photography through my brother and now sister in law. They hired Tracy to shoot their beautiful wedding, and I thought she did a great job! Tracy offered to do some family photos for us, and we took her up on her offer.

One of the great things about Tracy's photography is that she offers up a CD with all the images so that you can print what you want, when you want. This is something that is really important to me in a photographer. Since my extended family is spread out, and because of my blog, I really prefer to have access to my photographs on CD. The fact is, we don't print a ton of pictures. I'm not a scrapbooker, I just don't have the patience. We do print some as gifts, and to frame and put up at home, but I like to be able to share pictures digitally with friends and family. Nothing is more frustrating than finding a photographer that you like, but who charges hundreds of dollars to buy the images on disc. Tracy's prices are very affordable, too! She also loads all of your pictures on SmugMug.com. This is a storage site where you can easily access your pictures from any computer, as well as share them with friends and family. Your pictures are password protected, so only those who have the password can view them.

Working with Tracy was great! She came prepared with lots of supplies and props,a nd was very patient. Working with a toddler isn't exactly the easiest of tasks. While we were aiming for a spring feel in the shoot, it was REALLY cold the morning of the shoot. Tracy was more than happy to take breaks and let us warm up Carson. She also had lots of ideas for photos, but was also happy to have us suggest some ideas, too. We did not ever feel rushed, and she made sure to ask at the end if there were any shots that she didn't get that we would like. I loved that she did that, because sometimes you can feel rushed during a shoot.

As for the pics? Well, I'll let them speak for themselves! What do YOU think? Oh, that we have the cutest little munchkin on Earth? It's true, I must agree!! Tracy has very generously offered up a discount for my readers! If you'd like to book a session with her, you can contact her through her website, or her Facebook page. Make sure to mention my blog and you will receive $15 off your Family/Children session! How awesome is that! Thanks to Tracy for all her hard work, and making our experience great!

I Heart Youtube

2011-06-16T11:02:00.000-05:00

I love Youtube. It is seriously endless hours of entertainment. The stupidity of people never ceases to amaze me. I already featured the awesomeness of Samuel L. Jackson narrating Go the FUCK to Sleep earlier today, but a friend had linked this little gem of a video on Facebook, and after laughing so hard I almost wet myself, I decided that this really needs to be broadcast for all the world to see.

So, if you are a single guy, or know a single guy..... RUN THE FUCK AWAY!!!!!!!!! I am not kidding. This ho is either as high as Blohan while at rehab or it's totally a joke. My money is on it being more fake than Ashlee Simpson's nose, but it's still funnier than hell. Can you imagine being some poor schmuck who logs on to eHarmony, looking to find that special someone to spend the rest of your days with, and then coming across this??? Nothing is sacred these days, even online dating.

Please remove any food or beverages from your mouth before viewing. I won't be liable for one of you ho's choking to death, or ruining your macbook by spitting soda all over it!

Oh, and just cause it's funny.... here are a few response to Debby and her crazy Charlie Sheen-esque antics.

Absolute Perfection

2011-06-16T09:50:00.000-05:00

Have you heard about "Go the FUCK to Sleep"? It's a hilarious story, and I saw it when my friend Brooke emailed me a copy. Any parent who has had difficulties getting their ~~insomniac zombie~~ precious little bundle of joy to bed can totally relate. I laughed pretty damn hard when I read the book.

But now? It's absolute perfection. Samuel L. Jackson narrates the book. I am absolutely POSITIVE that there is no other human on Earth better suited to read this book than him. When I listened to it, I laughed so hard that I cried. I may have listened to it three times.

I'm sure there are people who are horrified and offended by this. They clearly have no sense of humor. If you think profanity is vulgar, don't watch the video. Oh, and we would not be very good friends. I'm by no means suggesting you really read this to your kids, but as a parent of a toddler, I find it wildly entertaining.

Summer is here.... and I haven't been!

2011-06-11T13:53:00.000-05:00

Sorry everyone! Summer hit, and I kind of disappeared! What can I say... I have a busy toddler AND my parents put in a pool! We have been B U S Y!!! So, this is sort of a catchall post. I'll hit on a few things, but will have other posts on some topics with more detail. I know how you pretty little stalkers like to get your Megan fix!

Chunky Monkey: This kid is a riot. Seriously, he cracks me up daily. Here is a good Carsonism for you. We have been making sensory boxes (a post soon on this!), and one of them is filled with Epsom salts that I colored. He said it was candy and asked if he could eat it. I told him it was yucky, but he could try it if he wanted. So, he got like one granule of salt and tasted. Then he stuck his wet finger back in, and put his totally coated finger in his mouth! He made the worst face and said "Dis is NOT tasty, Mommy. Need water!" What a crack up! He's also going through a sassy/rebellious/challenge-everything-Mommy-says phase, which leaves me wanting to throttle him about a half dozen times a day. He has started hitting a little. I know it's normal, but it's still infuriating. I mean... I sit through umpteen hours of Barney and THIS is my reward? I don't think so, slick!

Swimming: The kid is a FISH! We got him these awesome floaties, I can't recommend them enough. They are called Puddle Jumper Life Jackets, and Target sells them. The band goes around their waist and their arms go in the floaties. They don't bob up into their face, and they can easily swim in them.

He also likes to swim WITHOUT the floaties, which gives me a mild stroke each time. He has no fear of the water, and just sinks to the bottom like a rock. He doesn't flail or splash or anything, and then when you haul him up, he just shouts "Baby did it! Baby go under!" At least he has holding his breath down, huh?? What a nut. Hopefully by end of summer he'll be swimming instead of sinking.

My new job: I LOVE!!!!! Seriously, being a Chevy Girl is awesome. If you aren't a fan of the Nebraska Chevy Girls FB page yet, join! Starting Monday, we have 6 weeks of new giveaways, and there is a pretty fab grand prize at the end!! I'm also on Twitter as @ChevyNebraska, so follow there, too! It's really fun getting to interact with new people every day, and even more fun to give stuff away!

Our mini vacay: We just got back from a mini trip to Kansas City! We took C to Worlds of Fun, and let me tell you, the newly renovated kids area (Planet Snoopy) is seriously awesome! I was HUGELY impressed with the work they did, and Carson was thrilled to death. The kid is seriously a little daredevil! I'll blog more about the trip, and I have some pics and videos. The little nutter wanted to go on the Mamba! That is the roller coaster that goes 75mph and has a 203 foot drop! Sadly, our hotel stay was less than impressive. We used Priceline.com and stayed at Hotel Phillips. I've contacted both companies about our lackluster stay, so hopefully I'll have a good update for you soon.

Reviews: I have a few coming! One on a great local photographer, Tracy Havranek Photography, as well as a few cloth diapers! Sadly, I think our cloth diaper use is about to come to an end. I think big C is about ready to potty train. Sigh. I'm torn. Part of me is glad to be done with diapers, but part of me is sad that he is growing up so quickly.

And because he is so cute, I'll leave you with this pic of C riding the "piggy" at Walmart yesterday!

Winner!!

2011-06-02T12:43:00.000-05:00

Sorry, guys! The long weekend totally distracted me from choosing a winner! Without further adieu, the winner of the S'well water bottle is:

Wordless Wednesday: Life with big C!

2011-05-18T05:45:00.000-05:00

A little cheese with his morning wake up.

A little power tool use.

Some sword fighting.

Some yard work.

Some plane tracking.

No day is complete without playing in the dirt.

A little riding.

Some tunneling.

Learning about tools.

Rudimentary B&E (breaking & entering)

Beer fetching (there is most definitely a mini fridge in that gazebo)

Climbing.

Heavy Lifting

Yard waste clean up. (that leaf blower actually sucks 'em up and mulches them. It was not on.)

A little soak after a hard day's work.

Some post-bath cheesing.

Some pre-bedtime relaxation with friends.

My Baby Clothes Boutique WINNER!!!!

2011-05-15T12:30:00.000-05:00

FINALLY I have a winner to announce!! Blogger apparently had some sort of grand mal seizure and was useless for a few days. And then when it was working again, it sent out random old blog posts. Niiiiice! So anyway, I was unable to post for a while!

Without further adieu, the winner (via Random.org) is........ BROOKE!!! Brooke, you have 48 hours to claim your prize, I'll email you shortly!!

S'well Reusable Bottle Review & Giveaway!

2011-05-13T14:15:00.001-05:00

I am SO stinkin' excited to tell you guys about this product! For those who are new 'round these parts, let me break it down for you. I'm a tree huggin' hippie. Well, hippy-ish, anyway. We'll say hippy-ish tendencies. I don't wear patchouli oil and long skirts made of only hemp, but I do cloth diaper, babywear and try to take into consideration the things we use in our lives and their impact on us and the environment.

Enter S'well. I've tried quite a few reusable metal water bottles. I love the idea behind them. Plastic water bottles... well, they just suck. There are billions and billions of them cluttering up our landfills and they have harmful chemicals in them that can leach into the liquids we drink. Not to mention they don't keep things cold. But that was my issue with other metal bottles. They didn't really keep things cold for very long either. And they seemed to leave a metallic taste behind.

Then I read about the S'well bottle. It advertises that it will keep a beverage hot all day, and cold well into tomorrow. I'm not going to lie, I had my doubts. The first thing I did when I got it was fill it up with ice and water, and set it on the counter. Until the next day. I didn't touch it. I filled it up at 6pm. I'd say I put 8ish ice cubes in there. (Oh, I will pause to say this is my ONLY complaint about the bottle. It says that the mouth is large enough to fit ice cubes. It kind of is. We have a typical ice maker with the crescent shaped cubes. The normal sized ones don't fit into the opening, but if I dig around in the ice maker and find smaller than usual ones, they do easily fit. Im sure there are other types of ice that do fit, too) I filled it with water and screwed the lid on. Set it on the counter, next to the stove and I just left it. ALL NIGHT. I DID touch it at about 11pm that night, expecting it to be wet with condensation. Nope! Not a drop!

I picked up the bottle the next morning and took a swig of it at about 9am. That's 15 hours after I set it there. I expected room temperature water. Can I tell you that I about choked to death when the water was not only ice cold, but still had slivers of ICE in it??? And it didn't taste like metal at all! Seriously amazing. This water bottle has not been far out of my reach since I got it! It also keeps hot drinks (I'm a big tea drinker) hot all day long, too. This is incredible! It's like lugging around a refrigerator, without all the burden! Ice cold drink whenever you want it.

A few features of the S'well: It's very trim. Long and lean, and easy to fit in your hand, your bag (or diaper bag) and it fits in car cup holders. Nothing more annoying that a beverage container that doesn't fit in your cup holder. The bottle is double walled and stainless steel, and very lightweight. It'd doesn't sweat, which I love. I hate carrying around a dripping bottle. The design is sleek, as is the look. I like that it's not gimmicky. It comes in a variety of colors, and there is something to appease everyone. I will admit that the price tag is a slight shock at first (hey, I'm cheap!), but after using this baby, it is absolutely worth every penny. Think about how much money you will save by NOT buying plastic water bottles that will just get thrown out!

Something else I want to mention--S'well donates 10% of all purchases to WaterAid. WaterAid's mission is to overcome poverty by enabling the world's poorest people to gain access to safe water, sanitation and hygiene eduction. Not only is S'well dedicated to providing a fantastic product, but they are dedicated to providing a better life to those less fortunate. Now that is a company I can stand behind!

S'well has been generous enough to offer up a bottle to one lucky reader! Trust me, you WANT one of these babies! So, here's what you do!

First (mandatory!!) entry: Head over to S'well and look around. Tell me what your favorite fact is about S'well, their company or their product.
Sign up for the S'well newsletter.
Become a S'well fan on Facebook.
Follow S'well on Twitter.
Follow my blog through Google Friend Connect.
Follow me on Twitter (link up to the left!)
Subscribe to my blog by email (don't forget to verify your subscription!)
Become a fan of NWNB on Facebook.

I was provided a S'well water bottle in exchange for this review. All thoughts in this review are my own, and I stand behind them. This review is open to residents of the US and Canada. Please be sure to leave me a way to contact you in the event you win. Giveaway ends 5/27/11 and winner selected via random.org. Winner has 48 hours to claim prize or another one will be selected.

A little late, but Easter in pics!

2011-05-05T22:32:00.000-05:00

Carson was TERRIFIED of the bunny. Wouldn't look at him, and sitting on his lap was out of the question.

No! I will NOT move closer to that thing!

I hate you guys.

Fine. But I am NOT smiling. Screw Easter.

Wearing the new helmet Ma and Pa got him. Getting ready to dye eggs. Cause you know, dying eggs is dangerous business.

The victims.

The weapons.

Soldier down! Must eat!

Mmmm, eggs.

Uncle Sean dying eggs.

Some of the results of the crime scene.

Purdy!

Sitting with Pa.

Picking a color.

Easter morning! The bunny came!

What, Mom?? Can't a kid enjoy his Easter candy in peace??

Mmmm, candy!

What do you mean, find the eggs? I found one, and it has candy! I'm good!

Hey, there's STUFF in here!

Sunglasses, a pinwheel, some sidewalk chalk, sesame street books, some soap foam and soap paints for the tub, a wind up swimming frog.

Oh, and bubbles!

"baby do it!"

Yep. He calls himself baby. Once in a while he'll say his name. "Sarson"

Finding eggs at Ma and Pa's house.

Uncle Sean and Auntie Amanda helping.

A dapper dude.

Mowing, just like Pa!

Really, Pa? Come over??

I'm on it!!

Helping!

Petting "kitty ouch" with Ma.

And his favorite Easter goody. A cow "wheelie bug" from the Bunny! Super cool!

Cuddly Creations by Holly WINNER

2011-05-05T11:28:00.000-05:00

We have a WINNER! Thanks to the fine people at random.org, I am happy to announce that comment #56 was the bigger winner!

Michelle, you have 48 hours to claim your prize! Can't wait to see what you pick!

Another year older!

2011-05-03T13:32:00.001-05:00

So, 4/25 was my birthday. If you'll recall last year, Jessica helped Tom and my good friend Nikki pull one over on me! Nikki, her hubby and their LO flew out and surprised me for my 30th birthday. I had NO idea, and it was the coolest surprise!

I didn't plan anything for this year. I wasn't really being all bah humbuggy or anything, it was just hard to plan. Easter was the day before my birthday. The following weekend was my Dad's birthday. This coming weekend is Tom's birthday, then my brother's birthday AND Mother's Day. Oh, and last Friday was out because there was a big event for my Mom's group. So, I just decided to have a low key birthday. And I wasn't too bothered by it.

Until Jess kept telling me that I had to do something to celebrate! Or asking me what I had planned. Then I started getting a little depressed. So, I decided to try and throw together some lame, half-assed, last minute attempt at a birthday celebration. And nobody could come. So then I was REALLY sad. But, I was looking forward to going out to dinner with my bff, Stephani. We'd had it planned for a few weeks, and we try to get together once a month to do dinner and catch up. She picked me up and we headed for our favorite haunt, Roja. We got there, and it was pretty damn crowded for a Thursday night, and we had to wait forever for a hostess to help us. Steph told the waitress we had a reservation, which I thought nothing of, because I am dumb. I just figured she was smart and planned ahead so we didn't have to wait!

The hostess walked us back, then kind of paused and let us walk ahead. I was in the lead and turned around to look at her, because.... well wtf? How am I supposed to know where she is seating us?? She was kind of looking the other way so I turned back around and heard "SURPRISE!!!!!!" and almost shat myself! In the party room sat a table full of my friends and family! I was seriously surprised, and may have had a small stroke! Jess got me AGAIN!!!!! I had NO clue! It was a really awesome surprise! I got to have dinner and drinks, and of course a Confetti Creations cake!! For the record, Jess really wanted to include my favorite phrase "bitch tits" on the cake. However, she wasn't sure where we'd be seated and didn't want to offend, so she just put my name. The food was fab, the cake was delish and the friends were awesome! Thanks to all of you for coming! And thanks for including my Mom and SIL Amanda, that meant a lot to me! I would share pics, but I didn't have my camera. Stephani did, but those pics will probably stay on her camera and not get uploaded until 2013.

Afterward, me, Jess, Steph and Marcia all headed to Stoli Lounge for a little boozin' and karaoke! Cause nothing says celebration like karaoke in my world! It was really fun. I'd never been to that bar, but it had a fun vibe and a good time was had by all. Thanks ladies, for celebrating with me! Everybody really made me feel special, and I'm glad you all came!

As for my actual birthday, it was pretty awesome, too. C and I hung out at home, and he was like a stepford child! Seriously, he didn't throw a single fit the whole day. And then Tom brought home PF Changs for dinner, which I luuuuuurve. We even got a big container of their awesome iced tea! We had planned on going to the restaurant, but then decided getting take out was better. Carson is not the most patient diner. Pretty much he eats two bites and is ready to leave. Which means you best be ready to leave, too. This way we could all eat at our leisure.

Tom and Carson gave me a really cute silver picture frame that says "family" on it. I need to pick out a great picture to put in it. And then UPS delivered the most awesome gift ever. My new lens!!! That's right! I am the proud owner of a Canon 85mm f/1.8. (I'd like to add that the lens has now dropped $90 in price. This is when screaming "BITCH TITS!!!" is appropriate) It is AWESOME!! Seriously, I am so beyond thrilled with this lens. It's fast, it's sharp and the bokeh is amazing. Really soft and smooth. We were able to fund half the lens with my swagbucks winnings, and Tom had been saving up for a while, to get the lens as a gift. When I won the auction for a photography lesson with Amy Price, that pretty much sealed the deal!!!

A few pics taken with the new lens:

So all in all? It was a really awesome birthday!!

Loveable Labels WINNER!!

2011-04-27T14:18:00.000-05:00

We have a winner!!!!!!!! Thanks to Random.org....

Congratulations! You'll be receiving an email from me shortly!!!

My Baby Clothes Boutique Review and Giveaway!

2011-04-27T06:32:00.001-05:00

I don't know if you've noticed, but Chunky Monkey has a bit of a hat obsession. He looooooves hats. He has sun hats, baseball caps, knit hats, newsboy style... the list goes on and on. So, when My Baby Clothes Boutique contacted me, and I saw they had a great selection of baby hats, I was SO excited!

We selected the Natural Linen Fedora with Multicolored Band. Carson has a fedora, but it's more of a winter look, so I was excited for something that would work for spring and summer! When we received the hat, I was really impressed with the quality! I love linen, but it can be delicate, so I was happy to see that it was sturdy, and likely to hold up to a toddler's rough and tumble play. The color is a really pretty cream, and I love how bright the band is. It came in two sizes, 0-2 years and 2-4 years. C is big for his age, and I wanted the hat to last, so I chose the bigger size. It is a bit large on him, but I'm ok with that, it means it will get more wear! And he definitely doesn't mind.

There are also LOTS of other products! If you have a girl, you should check out the tutus and baby headbands! Holy cuteness, batman! I will admit that they do have a much better selection of items for girls than boys, but that is fairly standard, I've found. They do have baby clothes for both boys and girls! It's a great site, because they have a bit of everything. Bows, hats, clothes, blankets.... it would really be a great place to get a baby shower gift! I may already have my eye on a few more hats......

The customer service was great! Once I selected the hat, I received it quickly and with no problems. I also found the site very simple to use. I really love that they have so many different categories, because it makes it simple to find what you are looking for. There is nothing worse than trying to navigate through online shopping on a site that is not user friendly. You don't have to worry about that with My Baby Clothes Boutique!

Lucky for you, they have kindly offered up a giveaway! One lucky reader will win a $25.00 gift certificate to spend on whatever their little heart desires! For your first (mandatory) entry, go to the My Baby Clothes Boutique website, and take a look around. Tell me what item you would select, if you win!

Additional Entries:

Become a fan of My Baby Clothes Boutique on Facebook.
Follow My Baby Clothes Boutique on Twitter
Follow the MBCB blog!
Subscribe to the MBCB newsletter. Click HERE, then scroll down. The link is in the green box on the left!
Follow my blog. Link to the left!
Follow me on Twitter. That link on the left, too!
Become a fan of NWNB on FB!
Subscribe to my blog by email. Don't forget to verify it!
Tweet this giveaway (including the link!) up to 2x daily. Leave a comment with a permalink!

Fine print: I was provided with a hat free of charge in exchange for this review. However, all thoughts and ideas in this review are my own. This giveaway is open to US Residents only, and runs through 5/11/11. Please be sure to leave an email address so I can contact you if you win. Winner selected via Random.org and has 48 hours to claim their prize!

Cuddly Creations by Holly Review & Giveaway!

2011-04-20T16:24:00.003-05:00

So, my friend Marcia showed me some adorable hats that she had for her two cuties. They were little monkey hats with flowers on them, and they were just too cute. Even Carson loved them, because he proudly wore the brown and pink monkey hat with the flower for the rest of the evening. Real men can rock pink, you know!

So, Marcia directed me to Holly's Facebook page and I was hooked! She has some totally adorable hats! Every time I go to Facebook I swear she's created a new hat! Frog, monkey, giraffe, hippo! You name it, and Holly can do it. So, Holly asked if I would team up with her to do a review and get some exposure for her business. Of course I said yes, because seriously.... EVERYONE should know about these hats! I asked Holly if she could do a koala hat, and whaddya know, she whipped one right up! No kidding! Her turn around is very quick!.

(this is what I got when I asked for a smile)

Please excuse the giant band aid. We do not abuse our child, he abuses himself. See that little scratch in the above picture? He keeps picking at it, making it worse! Enter the giant, hideous band aid.

Here's what I love about working with Holly. She is SO friendly. If you have a question or a concern, she answers it, and quickly, too. She is so open to suggestions and willing to try whatever you throw her way, which is awesome. I asked Holly for a little run down about herself and her business, so you could hear it straight from her!

"A little about me.....I am a mother of three girls. I started making stuff for them and then people started placing orders, so I decided to see where this will take me. My husband is tied with the military, so most of my friends and family are all over the US. I ship most of my orders. I am originally from Nebraska and have ties there that help me get into craft fairs there. :) I have so many ideas for hats that I haven't done yet, and I'm looking forward to doing them."

When we received our hat, I was thrilled with the quality! Holly's crocheting skills are impeccable, and I was really impressed that I could just toss an idea to her, and she made it a reality. The hat is absolutely great quality. In fact, I'm almost a little sad that it's getting warmer out, because I want to use it more! Luckily I had her make it a bit big so we can use it next year, too. As for Carson? Um, he loves it. The kid is a hat addict, and if we leave the house without one, he gets really upset. He will go and grab it and wear it around the house, while proudly proclaiming "Mama! Baby CUTE!" Yeah, he calls himself baby.

I have been really pleased all around with my Cuddly Creations experience. Holly is so easy to work with, her product is impeccable and it was received quickly. I'm already in love with half a dozen other hats, so you can fully expect Mr. C to be sporting many Cuddly Creations next winter. And the best part? Holly has sweetly offered up a free custom hat to one lucky reader!! How cool is that?!

For your first (mandatory) entry, head over to the Cuddly Creations Facebook Page. Become a fan, and leave Holly a little lovin' on her wall! Tell her I sent you!

Take a look through Holly's hats! Tell me which one you would choose if you won!
Send an email to 3 friends you think would love Cuddly Creations, and link them to Holly's page and her Etsy Shop. Copy me on the email (MeganMK@cox.net)
Post on your Facebook wall, tagging Cuddly Creations, and invite your friends to become a fan!
Mark Cuddly Creations Etsy Shop as a favorite!
For TEN extra entries, order a hat! Let me know that you purchased!
Follow my blog (link on the left!)
Subscribe by email (don't forget to activate the subscription!)
Become a fan of NWNB on Facebook
Follow me on Twitter (link on the left)

This giveaway will be open until 5/4/11. Open to US and Canada. Winner will be selected via random.org and will have 48 hours to claim their prize, or a new winner will be selected. I was provided a hat free of charge for this review, but all thoughts in this review are truthful and my own.

The Great Cloth Diaper Change at Circle ME!!

2011-04-19T21:09:00.000-05:00

Have all you cloth diaper fanatics heard about The Great Cloth Diaper Change?? It is a Guinness World Record attempt for the most simultaneous cloth diaper changes across the world! The goal is 10,000 or more.

This is a great way to bring some awareness to cloth diapers! I mean, come on! 10,000 cloth diaper changes at once?! That's going to get noticed. It's also a great way to celebrate Earth Day, which is the 22nd. I think it's really cool that cloth diaper users all over the world (Seriously! There are places in Canada, Australia, Germany, Brazil and tons more!) are uniting to do this!

The coolest part? Guess who is going to be the cloth diaper "expert" and witness for the event at the Lincoln, Nebraska event, hosted by Circle ME? That's right, little ole me!!! I am super pumped to be able to do this! Circle ME is SUCH a great resource for Nebraskans! That is where Tom and I took our first cloth diapering class, and made the switch over to cloth! Circle ME has a special place in my heart, for sure. So, to be able to "witness" the event for them is a big honor for me.

Circle ME is located in Lincoln, so not in my town, but it is absolutely worth the 45 minute drive to get there! They offer cloth diapering and baby wearing classes, as well as natural family planning, and classes to help prepare for homebirth. Though homebirth isn't something I would personally pursue (C was a high risk pregnancy, and a c/s. With the complications, I feel comfortable being in a hospital), I'm really glad that there are resources available for those who want it. And Circle ME has TONS of great Natural Family and Parenting items! Cloth diapers galore (and one of my faves, fuzzibunz!), as well as baby carriers, nursing supplies, eco friendly items and tons more. When we first started exploring cloth diapering I had no idea such a great resource was so close! I can't recommend them enough. They will absolutely take the time to listen to your needs, and set you up with products that will work for you. They are always willing to answer questions.

So.... are you going to participate? If you are in Nebraska, you should definitely come to Circle ME's event! I mean... you'd get to meet ME! What could possibly be better than that? Oh, and since you'd be in Lincoln anyway, you could go have lunch at Raising Canes. Which is possibly the best chicken ever. If you aren't in Nebraska.... check out this link to find a location near you! You won't get to meet me, but you'll have a cool story to tell, since you can claim you were part of a Guinness World Record!

The stuff dreams blackmail is made of.

2011-04-13T20:40:00.000-05:00

Daddy had a bit too much fun with the Mr. Bubble foam soap tonight. Carson laughs now, but he'll cry later. Or murder us in our sleep. The jury is still out.

Mama's got a new job!!

2011-04-11T23:01:00.001-05:00

So, I am newly employed! First things first, I want to give a huuuuuuuge shout out to my former coworker and blogging buddy extraordinaire, Cate!! She runs the fab blog Real Life With Kids. She is all kinds of awesome sauce. Her blog is real, she is honest, and hilarious! I've known this for some time, because she regularly had me in stitches when I worked with her. Her story about her middle kiddo attempting to glue his head to the wall? Priceless. And have YOU ever had a coworker who threw an utterly kick ass Talladega Nights party? Complete with Dominos and Taco Bell? AND a goody bag with Wonderbread and Old Spice? I think not. I very much miss the closer friendship we had when we were coworkers, though I love being able to interact through the blogosphere with her. You should definitely check out her blog! And the reason for the shout out... my new ultra glam job was actually offered to Cate first. Sadly, she was unable to do it, but she recommended little old ME for the gig!

So... the new gig!! I am the Community Manager (handling social media marketing) for Nebraska Chevy Girls! What the heck is that? It's a grass roots campaign put on by Chevy both to advertise their local dealers, and also to get in touch with the community. They are doing that by utilizing social media outlets, such as Twitter and Facebook. It's a great way to spread the word about a fab brand, and what they have to offer to the community. So, where do I fit in to all this? Yours truly will be running the Facebook and Twitter pages for Nebraska Chevy Girls! I am THRILLED to be offered this opportunity. I really enjoy social media marketing, and while I've never done anything formally, I have worked with a lot of people on how to best utilize it for their businesses. So this is right up my alley!

The best part? It's a part time job, it allows me to work at home, and still focus on my little guy! I'm really excited about it, and I would LOVE your help in spreading the word. The best part for you? We'll be offering a giveaway every day at noon! This week it's a $50 gift card to Omaha Steaks! So, all you have to do is follow on Twitter, and like us on Facebook, and fill out the form under the "win" tab. Easy peasy, right? And of course, tell your friends!! I'd love for all my bloggy buddies to show me some love and support, and help drum up interest and interaction in the community!! Wish me luck!

Loveable Labels Review and Giveaway!

2011-04-10T23:14:00.002-05:00

Recently I was introduced to Loveable Labels. I wasn't familiar with them, but I'm glad I am now! Loveable Labels is a fantastic company that provides you with personalized labels for all your little people's gear! Clothes, toys, sippy cups, even shoes!!

So, what's so great about that? Well, first of all, if you have a little guy or gal, you know how often things go MIA. Shoes, hats, cups... you name it, they misplace it. Or even better, you host a play date, or attend a play date, and get home and realize you have somebody ELSES stuff. Or your stuff is nowhere to be found! Loveable labels provides unique, easy to apply and read labels to I.D. all your things!

I'm not sure which is my favorite part... the vast array of icons they have to select from (really! 45 of them, plus some theme packs!), or the fact that they are: washer, dryer, dishwasher, microwave, bleach, sun, temperature, sunscreen safe AND waterproof!! I mean... come ON! That fairly well nails every route of destruction that a toy or children's clothing item can fall prey to!

Right now they have an awesome promotion: The Ultimate Camp Pack. This is a handy dandy little book with over 150 labels, stickers and ID tags. Basically it's a little book with every size and shape sticker and tag that you can imagine. This is the perfect thing to label all those items for summer camp! Shoes, clothes, water bottles... they all can now be ID'ed with your little one's name, and a cute emblem to boot! The best part? All those personalize labels are just $44.95.

I had a hard time choosing. I really liked the colors of the Nature Pack and the Movin' and Groovin' Pack, but we just love skull and crossbones too much, so I went with the Classic Black Pack, and selected the skull and crossbones icon. When I got the package, I was impressed with how neatly they were organized in the booklet. There are tabs separating each label into it's own category for easy use.

The tags are super easy to use. Just peel and stick! There are a lot of sizes, so that you can find the right one for every item. I gotta say I love the shoe labels! Just stick the label inside the shoe, on the heel, and you are ready to go! I had a play date here last week where several of the boys were wearing the same Converse sneakers, so this made for easy ID!

And they really DO stay on through the washer/dryer/dishwasher, etc! I tested it myself and was pretty darn impressed! Forget sewing in name tags into shirts, now you can just stick 'em. While Carson is not close to camp age, he IS close to starting preschool. (Don't ask how this happened. I am in complete denial that he's growing up!), and I am thrilled to be able to tag his back pack, coat, shoes and various other items that would inevitably otherwise get lost. So, even if you don't have a camp age kiddo, these can still work for you!

**Edited to add: So, clearly I can't follow directions! Loveable Labels kindly let me know that the labels are not intended to stick directly to the clothing. Um, duh. I'm a little special. So, as an FYI, they typically will NOT stay adhered to the clothes directly, and I just got lucky. They WILL stay on the clothing labels though! So, just don't follow my lead, okay?!

Fresh outta the dryer and still in place!

Lovable Labels has generously supplied us with a "Camp Pack" for one lucky winner! Thanks, Lovable Labels!

To Enter: Go to the Lovable Labels website and leave us a comment (one per day only, please) telling us which one of their amazing product is your fav! Once you’ve entered by leaving a comment, you can gain additional entries:

Follow @myloveablelabels and @Mom2chunkymonky on Twitter and tweet "Win Camp Pack" from @myloveablelabels & @Mom2chunkymonky. Leave the link for daily entries.
"Like" Loveable Labels on Facebook and write on the wall that you are a new fan!
Mention this giveaway on your blog and leave us the link for an extra entry.
Follow Newly Wed, Newly Bred for an extra entry
"Like" NWNB on Facebook and leave a comment saying you do!
Subscribe to NWNB for an extra entry. (don't forget to activate the subscription!)

This giveaway ends just in time to prepare for camp season, on 4/26/11. The winner will be selected by random.org and will have 7 days to respond to the notification email before another winner is selected. This giveaway is open to US and Canadian readers. I was provided with a Camp Pack for this review, but all opinions expressed in this review are my own.

My Public Service Announcement

2011-04-04T21:24:00.000-05:00

Which is... put a lock on your fridges, bitches!!!

So, Carson has known how to open the fridge for a few weeks. I didn't do much to discourage him. Frankly, NOT having to run in the kitchen every 2.5 seconds to fetch his majesty some celery or berries was kind of refreshing. A little independence is good for them, no?

Sure. A LITTLE.

Last week was when our little precious was all hopped up on steroids, and suffering a bit of the roid rage. There was much screaming and crying. And he cried a lot, too. I finally had him settled on the couch with a blanket, his stuffed dog, and contentedly watching Toy Story. For the 87th time. I thought I could run down and start a load of laundry, since I was on a mission to wash and bleach every surface in this house. I told him I was going to start the laundry, and I'd be right back.

I head down the stairs. I toss the stuff from the dryer into the laundry basket, the stuff from the washer in the dryer. I then start the washer, and add the clothes. I'll say I was gone 2 minutes, and I think that is being generous. So, I grab the laundry basket and head up the stairs. As I come around the corner on to the landing and start up the next set of stairs, what do I see?

Carson. With a bottle of wine. And a purple mustache. A biiiiig grin, and proclaiming "Mama! Baby drink beer!!" I come to a dead halt. I was pretty sure I was dreaming. First, we hardly EVER drink at home. And I don't like wine. Then I remembered the bottle of two buck chuck I got for the hubs at Trader Joe's. That he drank the night before.

And clearly did not finish.

I'm pretty sure a whole string of expletives came out of my mouth. Or it could have just been a high pitched shriek. Panic begins setting in.

How much did he drink? How much was in the bottle??? How soon was CPS going to be at my house? What's the number to poison control?? How the fuck do I explain this? To ANYONE????

I'm pretty positive that I'm going to have to call poison control, they will tell me to take him to the ER, and then an investigation will begin, and I'm going to lose my kid. AND be named a worse mother than Britney Spears. Now THAT is horrifying.

Thankfully my husband assured me that there was only about a half a glass left in the bottle. And most of that was still IN the bottle. My best guess is that he had a swallow or two. So then I call my Mom. Because she won't think I'm a horrible parent. Or at least if she does, she won't tell me. Once I explained the situation, I had to wait a few minutes, because she couldn't stop laughing. Then she assured me that he would be fine with as small an amount as he drank, but he may take an extra long nap. (I may or may not have ever so briefly considered an afternoon night cap each day before nap...)

As my nerves were beginning to calm, that's when C hit his stride. He ran shrieking through the house, running and jumping. I momentarily wondered if this was what it was like to be a bartender on spring break. Clearly he must not have had much to drink, because the little shit didn't even take a nap that day. He just screamed and jumped in his crib.

Moral of the story here? Get a lock for the refrigerator. And forget college savings. Because I'm going to need to start a fund for his stint in Betty Ford.

I'm also wondering if other parents would frown upon this shirt. I happen to find it rather apropos....

Please note: While this post is very tongue in cheek, and I do find the situation funny, I did and DO take the wellfare of my child very seriously. We were very lucky that the situation turned out so well, and no longer have any alcohol in the fridge. The health of my child is important to me, and I feel this is a mistake ANY parent could make. I thought a lot about wether or not to post this, and decided to go ahead, because let's face it.... EVERY parent has huge parent fail moments. I'm just choosing to share mine with my readers, and hope they can learn to not make the same mistake we did.