Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Cup

I swore I'd never do it. That it wasn't for me. I'd stick to the chemical laden alternative. And then... well, I don't really know what happened. I think it was all of my friends persistence at hounding me to do a review. So, here we land. I got a Lunette Cup.

Fair warning: if you are a dude, or squeamish about your nether yay-ya (bonus points if you get that reference), you may want to look away now. This post involves who-has, blood, and well...there is a pretty iconic toilet scene. You have been warned.

I'm assuming most of you know what a Lunette Cup (or any menstrual cup) is. If not, here's the low down. It's a little silicone cup you shove up your boy howdy that collects the goods during your period. Sounds weird, but frankly.... so are tampons that are chemical filled, or pads which are frankly just gross. To me, anyway. The cup easily folds up for insertion and expands once in place.

This should be a no brainer. Until you add a Megan to the equation. We all know I'm not full of grace. But really... how badly could I screw this up? Epically, my friends. That's how. Let me paint you a picture.....

So, I purchase the Lunette Cup at my local cloth diapering/natural parenting store, Baby Junk. I went in thinking I'd get a different brand (rhymes with Shmiva, starts with a D), but everyone recommended the Lunette. Plus, it came in purple. That's important. I mean, it will spend it's time shoved up a love tunnel, so it should be pretty, right?! Right. So, I purchases it and went on my merry way. Thanks to Mother Nature, I was able to use it right away.

I remove the little cup from it's satin bag (pretty fancy, eh?!) and read the instructions. Basically, you are to push it flat, so both halves are touching, then fold it in half again. Seems easy enough. Then? Well, you basically just shove. Slightly uncomfortable, but mostly just a strange feeling. When the cup is in place, you are supposed to turn it, to make sure it expands fully and is locked and loaded. Now, I bought the size 2, which is for anyone who has had a baby, regardless of method of delivery. It seemed to be a good fit, but there was no way on God's Green Earth that I could rotate that mofo. I kegel'ed it up a bit, and hoped for the best. Once in, the thing was a delight! I couldn't feel it at all.

Fast forward to removal. Now I'd heard you could leave it in for up to 12 hours. I left it in for 8-10, I can't remember exactly. Lesson number 1. This is way too effing long. How did I learn this, you ask? Why, let me tell you! To remove, you have to "break the seal" since suction is what keeps that little bugger in. The recommended way is to work your finger into your lady bits next to the cup, and push the side of the cup inward, to break the seal. Awesome idea. In theory. As soon as I pushed the cup in, the cup overflowed. Ghastly sight, yes. But, I'm a Mom and I deal with bodily fluids all the time. My own blood covering my hand an arm like a scene out of "Carrie" wasn't THAT bad. The issue? That little mofo became more slippery than Lindsay Lohan in the justice system. I was rapidly losing my grip, the side had re-expanded and frankly, I just panicked. I started yanking. Lesson number 2. If you don't break the seal effectively, it will rip your cervix out of your body. Or so it feels. So, hickey in place on my cervix, I finally get that bad boy out. And it slips from my hand. Into the toilet. Where I had peed. And now approximately 10 gallons of blood sat.

What the hell do you do?!?! I mean, I paid $40 for that bad boy. My mind raced, and my stomach heaved. And then I did it. I plunged my hand into a bloody bowl of urine. I bumped the cup with my hand, and as I went to grab it.... poof! Down the hole it went. I'm pretty sure my anguished cries could be heard two states over. I then shoved my hand down the hole. No dice. Twenty minutes I spent fishing around, and that bad boy was GONE. I contaminated myself for no reason. NOT COOL.

After I showered 3 times, I stomped around the house yelling at anything that dared look my way. I finally decided to write the people at Lunette, looking for some support. I mean... I can't be the only one this has happened to, right? Yeah, wrong. I got an email back stating I WAS the only one! People had dropped them, but never literally lost them down the shitter. In a weird way, I felt kind of awesome. I mean, let's face it. That email made the rounds to everyone at Lunette. I'm a celebrity.

The kind people at Lunette (seriously, they are SUPER helpful) offered to send me another, if I'd share my experience with all of you. So, I hope you are enjoying my blog of shame.

Thankfully when I received the new one, I had no other shenanigans. Honestly? I love this thing. I find it super easy to insert, and it expands easily. I have a super heavy flow, so for a few days, I have to empty it every 3 hours or so. But that's much better than the hour I was getting from tampons. And on the lighter days, I can then leave it in for 12 hours if I want. The silicone is soft and pliable. It's easy to clean, easy to use. I'm not going to lie, there is definitely a learning curve, and you have to be comfortable with handling your Notorious V.A.G. (Jessica, I'm talking to you). But really, a few times using it, and you are golden. It's MUCH more comfortable, and you are able to use it for a much longer time. It's green, it's economical (though I know the $40 price tag up front is a lot to swallow, if you are used to paying $6 for a box of tampons) and it's much better for your body. Frankly, I think every damn one of you should run out and buy one now. Yeah, even you over there with the penis. Give it to your wife!

I have not tried any other menstrual cups, though I did purchase a Fleurcup. I haven't used it yet, so I can't report on it. I purchased it after the first Lunette disaster, but got my replacement pretty quickly and I just haven't branched out. I want to give a big shout out to the folks over at Lunette. Mostly, for keeping their hysterical laughter to themselves and not making me feel like more of an idiot. Well, that, and their customer service is just great. Super quick response, really helpful suggestions, and they definitely care about their product and helping the consumer use it correctly! The website is incredibly helpful when trying to figure out sizing and using it for the first time.

While I started this review out with a comical horror story, you can pretty much rest assured that I'm the only jackass on the planet who will have this issue. I really DO recommend trying the Lunette, and frankly... isn't that saying a lot, considering my first experience? If I can endorse it, anybody can and should use it!


Lauren Snellings said...

I'm dying over here! DY-ING! Wish I could tell you that you are not alone, but you are. Tragically alone!! I use the diva, never had any issues although I usually take it out/put it in in the shower; no danger of losing it there.

Oh my gosh, I am still laughing at you! Thank you, thank you for making my day!

Terra H. said...

I'd like to say I didn't outright laugh at our debacle but I'd be lying. I've never tried a cup like this before. I'm still on the fence. But, I know that tampons take some learning too so I may actually give it a try.

mypaleochow said...

I just found your blog. First of all, when I heard the whistle of the first song on your playlist I immediately yelled HANGIN' TOUGH! And I knew I had clicked on a good link. :)

Thanks for sharing your experience with the Lunette; I haven't broken up with tampons yet, but I need to. Might have to stop in at Baby Junk next time I'm in Omaha (we live south of Fremont).

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