The scenario: Me, at 10pm with a yeast infection, which I have never had in my life. Those of you poor bastards who have experienced this fun know how miserable it is. I have nothing to treat, and Im in my pajamas, not wanting to make a Walgreens run. Enter my friends from OANP (Omaha Area Natural Parents) and my dear friend Google. Natural/home remedies... there HAVE to be some, right? I mean, Monistat wasn't around in the Little House on the Prairie days.
Many suggestions are thrown my way: apple cider vinegar, yogurt, garlic, boric acid (you seriously want me to put something with acid in the name in my hoo-ha? NO.)....the list is pretty long. The site I was referred to had the most "yays" for Apple Cider Vinegar, which I always have on hand. So, I decided to give it a go. It couldn't be much worse than the current situation, right?
Seems harmless, no?
WRONG! SO. EFFING. WRONG. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you lit your vagina on fire? I haven't. But? Now I know. I've been through some pretty horrific pain before, and this was pretty bad. You know how if you have an open wound... even a paper cut, and you get salt or citrus in it? It's like that, but times ONE TRILLION. In your naughty bits!!! I'm going to guess that this is similar to the feeling of humping battery acid. I'll never know for sure, but I'm willing to say it's a pretty fair wager. To the ACV's credit, it DID help, once my vag stopped feeling like it was melting off my body.
This is what SHOULD be on the bottle of Apple Cider Vinegar.
The one good thing that came from this situation? I've discovered the most epic band name, ever. The Fiery Vaginas. I need to start a band, immediately.
This is approximately what my face looked like. Give or take 30 years.
I slept through the night just fine, but this morning was feeling pretty miserable. The
horrific bastards people posting about ACV claimed that the first time was the worst, so I thought I'd give it another go, and pick up some monistat later, while running errands. I'm just going to cut to the chase here. THEY LIED. It hurt MORE the second time, and I was pretty damn certain that wasn't even humanly possible. Dear unknown internet advice giver, if I ever find you in a dark alley, I will cut you.
Once I made it through the rage inducing pain, I was good to go. C and I set off to run a few errands, and meet up with my Mom at Target. We were in Starbucks, and I was telling her about my ACV horror story. Apparently it's really funny if it isn't your own misery. I picked up the meds, and headed home.
Here is where the story gets worse. Having no experience with this type of situation, I grabbed the 1-day medicine. Cure me of this shit in 1 day? SIGN ME UP, STAT! I vaguely knew what I was getting myself into with an applicator and all that. We get home, and I prepare to end my misery.
You know what happens your first time with the Monistat? You probably don't, because this shit only happens to me. First, you get out that stupid little egg shaped sack of medicine, and put it in the applicator. Who had the bright idea to make this crap round? Round rolls, my friends. Next, you accidentally press the plunger, and that precious ball filled with $10 of god-knows-what goes flying across the bathroom. In a move so acrobatic that even Nastia Liukin would be impressed, you manage to catch that bad boy before it hits the ground. Momentarily you will see that this was a wasted effort.
You carefully balance that bitch as it makes its way toward your vag. You will be concentrating on your balance more than a circus tightrope walker. You make it to launch with no further mishaps, so you shove it in before it can escape, and press the plunger/applicator/worthless piece of plastic crap. Done, right? Yay!! This is trickier than a space shuttle launch.
WRONG!! When you pull it out, that stupid, stupid little egg is still on the end, mocking you. AS IT DOES A SWAN DIVE INTO THE TOILET!!!!! Are you freaking kidding me, here???? This is where some rapid fire decisions need to be made. Without really thinking about it, you plunge your and into the toilet, because... well, there is only ONE of those little bastards. At this point, filling a super soaker gun with the ACV and going to town down there seems like a fine idea. Instead, you head to the sink, soap and water because EW. Just ew. So after you have a clean (again) hand and sack of whatever, it's time for round 2. No dice. That sad sack is wet, sticky and soggy and is more attached to the applicator than Tom Cruise is to Xenu. This would be the point where you lose all sense of dignity, grab it in your fingers and shove it up your cooter while praying to God that it just stays in there. 27 times later, you finally have success. And have managed to break a considerable sweat while using a feminine hygiene product. Kudos.
Next time? Just stick with the
battery acid apple cider vinegar. Oh, and P.S.? The 1-day crap doesn't cure it in 1 day. It just means there is only 1 showing of the above film. It still takes 7 days to work, and curiously enough, burns like a mofo, too.
Today's entertainment brought to you courtesy of my vagina. You are welcome. I will be stewing in my own shame, if you need me.