You know how there is all that Mommy competition out there? To have the smartest, fastest, cutest kid on the block? Pinterest is like that, but on steroids. You need to be the craftiest bitch on the block or you are NOTHING!!!! I've always been quasi-crafty. Meaning I can bang out a fleece no sew poncho pretty fast, but if it's a multi step, patience requiring, detail oriented craft, you can just count me the fuck out. And that is where Pinterest ruining my life hits it's cue.
I'm going to assume you all know what Pinterest is. If you don't, you are in worse shape than me. I'm pretty sure my dog even has a Pinterest account, so if you don't, you had better get your shit together stat, my friends.
Now, Pinterest has allowed me to find some sweet shit, I won't lie. Um, making your own liquid hand soap by the gallon for only pennies? Shit, YES! Take THAT Softsoap! Screw you, and your $3.99 bottles of soap. I'm your bitch no more, and I have Pinterest to thank. Oh, and peppermint infused Vodka? FUCK. YES. are the only words that come to mind. You know how the day after Christmas all the drug stores basically start PAYING you to cart candy canes out of their store? Now you have a valid use for them. Jazz up your vodka and just get hammered. But it's drunk on peppermint, so that makes it a holiday celebration, therefore, klassier. YOU ARE WELCOME. So, Pinterest has it's uses.
But then there is the other shit. The useless fucking shit that people pin and I roll my eyes at. How about the "motivation" pictures? Usually it's some in shape chick with maybe a little bit of a gut on her, and then a pic of her sans gut. First of all, that is not motivation, assholes. That is fucking depressing. I carried around an 11 pound baby whale. I'd give me left tit to look like her "before" pic, but same as Lindsay Lohan's career making a comeback.... shit ain't gonna happen. Let's all collectively delete the motivation/inspiration, and replace them with the peppermint and skittles infused vodka and drunken gummy bears. We'll all be happier. And drunker. In fact, we'll be so drunk and happy, we won't give a fuck that we look like bloated Elvis. Hot damn, I'm a genius. People should be paying me for these ideas.
Then there is the category of "Super Amazing Shit That I Am WAY Too Poor To Ever Do, So This Is Just Depressing". You know what I'm talking about. People who pin pics of "Perfect for the Mudroom!" kind of shit, but their "mudroom" was done by Pottery Barn to the tune of approximately $6,000. Give me a break. I have a kid. And a husband who qualifies as a kid often, when it comes to neatness. If you think I'm about to makeover any room in my house, ESPECIALLY one dedicated to mud, in all white and wicker, you are fucked in the head. My idea of a mud room is all tile, with a drain in the middle of the room. Plastic bench, plastic everything. With a hose hook up. That way when the kid and the dog track in mud and manage to coat every surface in the room with said mud in 3 nanoseconds, I can hose that bastard down. Plus, it would make a good kill room. And I watch Dexter. I know that you may just need a kill room with easy access every once in a while. I don't think if I try to return a white wicker basket douched in grime at Pottery Barn that they would give me a very friendly reception. There are eleventy seven other examples that fall within this category, too. These are the pins I am easily able to roll my eyes at and mutter a "Bitch, please!"
It's this next category that is destroying me. Its the "Shit That Looks Super Simple, Really Cute, And Fun For A Toddler/Gift/Girls Night" that is ripping apart my formerly tranquil (read: lazy) life. Shit like the wine cork Christmas Tree. I came across this pin, and thought it was genius. I really, REALLY, wanted to make it for my Mom, as she is
WRONG. Did you know that corks are apparently the fucking flubber of the alcohol world? NOTHING sticks to that shit. It's impenetrable. It won't absorb anything, and nothing sticks to it. Kevin Federline should look into it as birth control. I hot glued the shit out of those corks, and they came right back apart. So, back to Hobby Lobby I went. I perused the glue aisle, and left with two items. Gorilla Glue and some other shit I can't remember the name of. But it SPECIFICALLY said it worked for cork. I remember reading on some crafty blog somewhere that Gorilla Glue would basically glue anything and everything, so I decided to give it a shot. Um, that shit turns into a big, white, foam, eye sore when it's dry. It ran everywhere and looked more like a Gorilla had jizzed on it, rather than glued it. FAIL. I tried the next stuff that said it was for cork. It might have been, but it wasn't quick dry, so you had to sit forever holding 2 corks together like a moron. Not very effective when you have 163 corks to glue together. I decided to pick up another bag of hot glue sticks and try using MORE hot glue. Yeaaaah. Then there was hot glue oozing everywhere and it looked terrible. At this point, I'm like $57 in on glue products alone, and about to rip my hair out in frustration, so I just gave up.
Then there is the other shit that people claim to be "quick and easy" crafts, but that I look at, and think they are fucked in the head. Im totally down for the quick and easy crafts. White handprint on a piece of wood or ornament made into snowmen? Dig it. Cutting out a giant felt triangle as a christmas tree for your kids to decorate? I'm down. But it's shit like this little number that make me go "WTF, dude." First of all, have you ever cut felt? I sure as fuck have, and mine NEVER looks that nice. It's all ragged and jagged and has little bits of fuzz everywhere. Second of all, if any type of garland I'm making out of felt requires sewing, that project is OUT. I can take my ass to the local Dollar Tree and buy some (not handmade) beautiful shit for one dolla' that some kid in a third world country cranked out. The former, while handmade and all pretty, sounds sucktastic compared to the ease of the latter. Thirdly, I don't know what the fuck kind of friends you have, but if I wrapped up some braided felt piece of shit and tried to pass it off as a necklace or bracelet, I'd get bitch slapped. If you seriously look at that and scream "OH MY GOD!!! Fashion Accessory!!", we can no longer be friends.
The final nail in the coffin, as well as near demise of my marriage was the DIY play kitchen. I'm sure you've seen these bits of adorableness on Pinterest. Crafty bitches make over bulky wood entertainment centers from 1987 and turn them into fabulous play kitchens for their kids for what they claim is mere pennies. First of all, the bitches lie. The hubs agreed to do this, so we headed to Home Depot for supplies. Since we had to remove glass doors and put on wood ones, the bill was steep. Wood, hinges, handles, knobs, primer, paint.... the list was never ending, and we left $100 poorer. I clearly recall us going "Huh. We could have bought a fucking kitchen for that", but we convinced ourselves that if we MADE the kitchen, it would somehow be better. Fast forward 2 and a half months. It is now December 23rd. I have been hounding the husband for 2 and a half months about the kitchen, he assures me that it will be done by Christmas. Cue the husband walking in the door, telling me the kitchen will NOT in fact be done. The garage is covered in saw dust, power tools, and the scent of paint hung heavy in the air. And then the yelling begins. I'll just bottom line this for you. I'm pretty sure we were both ready to grab power tools and attack the other. And the worst part? Since every fucking Christmas present related to the play kitchen, we had to scramble, scrape some funds together (so long Christmas bonus. I barely knew ye...) and go to Toys R Us. TOYS R FUCKING US, people! 36 hours before Christmas! It was hell. ALL BECAUSE OF PINTEREST. Pinterest almost caused the end of my marriage. Thankfully we rallied, pulled through, and the kid woke up to an awesome play kitchen on Christmas Morning. No thanks to Pinterest. All credit goes to Little Tikes. I wonder if Pinterest will pay the tab for the marriage counseling we now need?
So you see, I'm going to hot glue and modge podge away until I'm left friendless, and husbandless. But you know what? If I end up homeless, I'll make myself one hell of a poncho to keep warm. WIN!!