Swine Flu 101, by Megan **Now Updated!

UPDATE!!! We now have highly advanced technological testing for the swine flu. You qualify for it, FREE of charge! Head to google. Type in "Do I have the swine flu?" and hit "I'm feeling lucky" Thank God I'm safe.... are you???

Well, clearly the Swine Flu is a pandemic. Millions er, hundreds of thousands I mean thousands not even 100 cases have just swept through the US like a wildfire candle flame. So, I'm here to help YOU stay safe from the swine flu.

1. Clearly, since no actual PIG has been found to have the virus, you should IMMEDIATELY discontinue all consumption of pork products. Sorry bacon lovers, put down that strip of greasy goodness. Maybe substitute with Baconaise?? (A quick aside to the makers of baconaise: Thanks for manufacturing BOTH baconaise and bacon salt. Now I can be an early widow, and my son fatherless, as Tom is now quite sure he can "bacon up" pretty much any food.)

2. On the same subject as above, begin the swift and immediate slaughter of any and all swine or swine-like animals. One can never be too safe. Even though they haven't been found to actually HAVE swine flu... they are swine. It's swine flu. Do your own deductive reasoning!

3. Immediately begin covering all windows and doors in your house with tarps. Duct tape, staple, glue them. Whatever it takes to keep those germs out. If you are REALLY concerned, put the tarps on the OUTSIDE of the doors and windows, too. Or maybe head to your local exterminator and borrow one of the tents. Just tent your house.

4. This really goes without saying- avoid any and all public places, and especially other people. Do NOT let others into your home.  You have TV. You have a cell phone. This is now your "other human interaction"

5. If for some reason you MUST leave the house, you need to take extreme precaution to protect you and your loved ones. First, you must dress the part. I highly suggest the Pandemic Swine Flu First Aid and Safety Kit.  I mean, read the reviews. One man has had it for 3 whole days, and hasn't contracted the swine flu. 100% success rate! This ultimate protection can be yours for only $34.99! If this isn't an option for you, you can cover yourself in hefty trash bags, or saran wrap. Don't forget to leave holes to breathe, but be sure to put a mask on. I suggest gloves, too. Double bag 'em. You can never be too safe. I also suggest getting yourself a "nifty nabber" to pick things up, so you don't actually have to TOUCH them. For those of you fashion conscious folk out there, you can wear your protective mask in style!

6. Always carry a bottle of lysol spray with you. Even in your home, but ESPECIALLY if you are leaving the house. Spray any and all objects within a 12 foot radius. Even people. Just inform them you are on Swine Flu patrol, they won't mind.

7. Even with all the above protection, if you somehow manage to touch something... ANYTHING... immediately remove any and ALL protective gear AND clothing. Douse with lighter fluid. Set fire, and don't put it out. Let it burn itself into nothingness. RUN to the nearest shower/hose/fire hydrant. Begin scrubbing vigorously. If you are in a shower, turn water as hot as your skin can tolerate. Use at LEAST 3 bars of soap. Lather rinse scrub repeat. For 2 hours. 

8. Lastly, and most importantly: If anyone manages to get in your newly protected house and so much as clears their throat or sniffles, immediately vacate the premises. Set fire to said residence. Run for the hills.

If you take these above mentioned precautions, you too could be safe from the Swine Flu!