Also titled: Alcohol served in a test tube is AWESOME, and suicide karaoke is NEVER easy, sober or drunk.
That's right, people. I went. I drank. I sang. I drank. I sang more. I drank a LOT more. I may have beat the hell out of a claw toy machine. It was as beautiful as you are imagining right now. I wish you could have been there. But, you weren't, so I'm going to reenact it to the best of my ability, with the help from my good friend: Google Images.
Ok, it's like 35 minutes later, you guys. Seriously. Google images can be pretty twisted. I don't know what the hell people do at karaoke, but I searched "suicide karaoke" and there was definitely nudity. Then I got
completely sidetracked by "as seen on TV" things, and started up a whole other blog post in my head. Im pretty sure that I may have come up with the biggest breakthrough in obstetrical care in the last 50 years. Just you wait. My mind is on FIRE today. I also decided that leaving your Christmas tree up through Easter, and decorating it with Easter eggs could be a phenomenally great idea. And that if the people of Hallmark catch wind of it, a whole new holiday celebration will be launched. I need to copyright this, like... YESTERDAY. This is what happens when I drink. Clearly I should drink all the time.
Anywho, back to
drunkfest 2012 an evening of karaoke. The bestie and I had been trying to plan this out forever, so it was originally going to be a 2011 event. But, we both have toddlers, husbands and things just kept not working out. So, the stars all aligned, and we were able to go out. Our awesome friend Bryan even drove up from Lincoln to party with us. It turns out that getting drunk at the bar can offer a few very good life lessons. And I'm here to share them with you. The first one is that getting drunk at the bar is educational. I know. YOU'RE WELCOME.
The last time that we went to karaoke, we discovered cake vodka. This is lesson number one, people. Get your notebooks and pens ready, this is important stuff. Cake + Vodka = an orgasm for your mouth. I'll give you a moment to let that gem roll around in your noggin. Clear away the cobwebs and focus. This is important shit. If you learn nothing else, learn that cake booze is amazeballs. Even better? Is when cake UV shots are only $1. That is a drunk fest I can get behind both emotionally AND financially. Winning on every level.
I'm not kidding you, people. UV Cake tastes like somebody baked you the most amazing birthday cake you could ever imagine and then soaked the whole thing in booze. I wanted to grab the bottle, go to a dark corner of the bar and work my mouth magic on that bottle. I'm not ashamed. It is DELICIOUS. I may or may not have launched a drunken Twitter campaign, attempting to get the people of UV to let me be the official sponsor. It's dessert and booze, all rolled into one convenient package. And you don't even have to cook it! Which leads us to lesson #2: Dessert is best enjoyed in liquid form, especially when it's 60 proof.
So, I was highly anticipating drinking as many cake shots as I could, without puking. We had a DD and everything. And the number to Happy Cab, just in case. I was serious about the drinking. So 2.3 nanoseconds not long after arriving, I inquired about a round of $1.00 cake shots for the table. And that, fine friends, is when I almost cried. "Oh, we have the cake shots, but they aren't one dollar anymore. The dollar shot is cotton candy". W. T. F. Cotton candy is good. Actually, cotton candy is delicious, but I've rarely encountered anything cotton candy flavored that actually tastes good, or remotely like cotton candy. I wanted cake, dammit! Sweet, glorious, frosting flavored cake. In liquid, alcohol-infused form. But it just wasn't to be. So I said yes, we'll try the candy shots.
This brings us to lesson number 3. Which would be: Any alcohol served in a test tube is immediately ten times more awesome. Hell, this rule really could apply to any beverage out there. But for this post, we'll keep it to booze. Let's review, shall we? First of all, a test tube has a rounded bottom, so you can't put your shot down. This means you pretty much HAVE to do the shot immediately, unless you are a particularly talented one handed drunkard. The non-standing test tube eliminates any pansies from trying to talk their way out of the shot. And since it can't be put down, it is much less apt to get sloshed over when the table is bumped into by a stumbling, drunken frat boy. Also? It's just fun. And that's what the bar is all about. I think more things should be served in test tubes. It makes it easy to imagine you are Mr. Wizard, and madly working to invent something fabulous, maybe like sippy cups that actually don't leak, instead of just a Mom trying to relive her glory days. There would probably be a lot less crime if we instituted the test tube theory. Because people would be too busy fantasizing about inventing awesomeness. And? Being drunk. Somebody needs to get on this theory.
So. There we are. Test tubes full of the nectar of the Gods. Well, ok, maybe not the Gods. But most certainly of the carnie folk. Why? Why has it taken so long for this delicious treat to find it's way to my mouth? The world is a cruel place.
Lesson 4 is a tough one. It's called: No matter how drunk you are, you can not strong arm a claw machine into giving you a hello kitty. Claw machines are a rip off. They are filled with beautiful treasures that some child in a third world country slaved over to earn a nickel for the week. Those treasures beckon you, especially the more you drink. But it's all an evil plot to make you waste your precious drinking money. It's highly possible that we spent eleventy seven dollars to try and win a Hello Kitty. I can neither confirm nor deny that somebody may or may not have accosted the machine, shaking it violently in an effort to free the Hello Kitty they were robbed of. Even if you attempt to knock the machine over on it's side to free ALLL the Hello Kitty dolls, you still won't win. And? The machine will reset itself, and you can't even waste any more of your money for 15 minutes while it reboots. Save yourself, and buy a drink instead.
Lesson 5 is that Suicide Karaoke is ALWAYS HARD. This is when you go up there, and you get a random song, and you have to sing it. At some point, the DJ will kill the music, and you have to still sing the next 5 words, correctly. In some instances, you are screwed no matter what. Somebody had to choose from Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA or whatever the hell it's called. I wouldn't be able to sing any of that. And frankly, if you can? We can't be friends. Leave the blog. And you don't get to take your drink with you. I actually got lucky, I got Meredith Brooks song "Bitch". Fitting, no? I know that song fairly well, I've done it at karaoke in years past. But you know what? The second that music stops, and the screen freezes, so does your brain. I felt like Lindsay Lohan every time she tries to come up with an intelligent excuse as to why she has meth mouth, missed a court date, or is busted for DUI. Frozen, and more useless than a nice rack on a nun. I finally pulled my shit together and sang, but the words were definitely WRONG! There is a second part to this lesson, though. If you are ballsy enough to get up and attempt suicide karaoke, you get a shot anyway. So by default, you WIN!!!
There is no picture for suicide karaoke, so you are being blessed with the Honey Badger.
Lesson 6: You CAN exercise your brain while drinking. I introduce you to Shut The Box. It's an awesome drinking game. Well, awesome if you are good at it. I am not. I lost every single round except for one. I'm pretty sure my friends instituted this game because I am a master at quarters, and their pansy asses don't want to play with me anymore. I can't really blame them. It's fun to watch them get hammered, but I want to get drunk too. They even started turning the glass over for my turn, so I had to bounce the quarter and land it on the upturned bottom of the cup. Yeah, I can do it. A lot. So, Shut The Box makes you use motor skills (rolling the dice) and addition, by adding up your total, then deciding which numbers you are going to flip down. So, if anybody ever tells you that going drinking is pissing your life away, you can call them a big fat liar mouth. In fact, I think you could just start calling drinking at the bar "going to math club". You are welcome.
Overall, the bar is an extremely educational place. You can practice your public speaking (singing) and working through stage fright, using your problem solving skills (to beat the damn claw machine), concoct a new beverage in your handy dandy test tube a la Bill Nye the Science Guy, and much, much more. Clearly people who DON'T go drinking are missing out on great opportunities to enrich their lives. Now, go forth and drink!
