Canceling a Flight: How to Get a FULL Refund.

A quick note: My brother is going through a divorce. It's not his choice, and the situation is very sad for everyone involved. I have a lot of choice words I could say about the situation, but out of respect for my brother, I won't. For now, anyway. Anyway, his soon to be ex is in Idaho this year, completing a residency. They had been flying back and forth during this time to see each other, and my brother was to fly back with her after Christmas, for a several week visit. Instead she asked for a divorce. While divorce is no laughing matter, if you read this blog regularly, you are aware that my family has a warped sense of humor. We don't mince words, and we are able to laugh at things that others probably would not think are funny.

This is a real conversation my brother had with the fine folks over at Delta last night: 

Brother: I'd like to cancel a flight.

Delta: You don't want to go to Boise?

Brother: Well, I did. I was going to visit my wife, but she wants a divorce instead.

Delta: Oh, dear. I'm sorry to hear that.

Brother: Yeah, been a fun Christmas.

*20 second awkward pause*

Delta: Hold on, let me see what I can do.

*Hold music consisting of love and breakup songs*

Delta: Okay, I've waived the cancellation fee. You have a $316 credit.
...
Delta: I've been happily divorced for over 25 years.

So you see, not all airlines are heartless. Way to go, Delta. Or it could just be that she was put in a socially awkward situation, and wanted to do anything to just get the hell off the phone. Either way, I'm calling it a win. Delta: Making divorces a little less miserable since 1928.

Christmas Craftiness

I really wasn't kidding when I said Pinterest was ruining my life. It's taken over, and thus my holidays were spent gluing, painting and modge-podging. I thought some of you might want to see what I came up with. Sadly, I didn't take pictures of all the things when they were totally finished. I wish I had!

This is a button ball/ornament I made my Mom. It's not finished in the pic. Once it was done, I made a loop of ribbon and pinned it at the top. She LOVED it! I used a styrofoam ball, tons of buttons and straight pins. 

This is a photo holder I made for my Dad, and it's inside a pocket watch. I'm not totally thrilled with how it turned out, so I may re-do the picture part. I took the time piece out, and put pictures in. I used heat n bond to adhere the pictures to some fabric. And honestly, I think I could have totally skipped that step. It just made things bulky. I think Im going to use a ribbon, and modge podge picture to a ribbon. He liked it, though!

Tea cup bird feeder! These were fun to do. This one is my Mom's, and I made my Grandma one, too. I raided several goodwill stores and found a bunch of tea cups and saucers on the cheap. No effing silverware, though. Some of my own spoons had to make the ultimate sacrifice. All I did was glue the tea cup to the saucer, the spoon to the saucer, and then glue the pipe cap to the bottom of the saucer. The pipe is copper plumbing pipe. You can either fill the tea cup with bird food, or fill it with water and put food on the saucer. The spoon is a perch. 

Button rings! These are also super easy. You can do them two ways. The simplest is to buy adjustable rings (Hobby Lobby and Michael's have them) and glue the buttons on, or you can wire the buttons together and make the ring out of the beading wire. For gifts, I do the glue version, since I don't know what size ring people wear. For my own, I do the wire version. Very easy, cheap, and they are super cute. 

T-shirt scarves! Also easy. Another raid at the Goodwill, and I had a stack of XXL and XL shirts. You want all cotton for this. I cut the hem off the bottom, then cut the shirt into strips, horizontally from the bottom. They don't need to be neat or even. After you've cut the strips, they are in a nice big loop for you. Stretch it out a bit, and they curl up nicely. I gathered about 10 or so of the curled up loops, and tied them all together into an infinity scarf. You can wear it as one long scarf, double up in the picture, etc. I then cut flowers out of a white t-shirt, put a button in the middle and put it on an alligator clip. It can be added you your scarf, worn in your hair or whatever else you can come up with. 

I really, REALLY wish I had gotten a pic of these complete. They had button eyes, and orange noses. I cut the tips off of wooden skewers, dipped in orange paint, and glued them on. They were adorable! And the snowmen are made out of white tube socks filled with rice, and the hat and sweater are made from a christmas sock. Very easy, and totally adorable. This was part of a gift for Carson's preschool teachers.

This was the second part of the preschool teacher gifts! Peppermint sugar scrub. SO easy and cheap! White sugar, some sort of oil (I used olive, but you could use whatever), and scented extract, and food coloring. Since it was for a Christmas gift, AND because I love peppermint, that's what I used. Carson helped make the whole thing! I didn't measure at all. I dumped sugar in a bowl, then poured oil in, until it was the consistency I wanted. Added food coloring and extract, and stirred. I did happen to have Vitamin E oil on hand, so I used some of that, too. I got the jars at Hobby Lobby for $1.99. I made sure to keep one for myself! I ended up making more, and gave them to my Mom and Grandma, too. 

I snagged these canvases on clearance at a local craft store for $1.69 or something ridiculous. They are 10x10. Then I bought some Christmas-ish fabric scraps. I just stapled the fabric on (aka, the back looks like a hot mess), printed some pictures, and hot glued some ribbon trim down. Nothing to it. They don't look breathtaking, but grouped together they are a fun holiday display on the cheap. 

Mini tool box! I was so excited about this one! My Dad is a VERY handy guy, so this just looked perfect for him. What you need: Altoid tins (as many as you want to do), primer, red paint, glue and stainless steel eye strap with some tiny screws. The eye straps were the only tricky part. The dude at Home Depot looked at me like I had 3 heads when I asked for them. So? I ordered from Amazon. They are some boat supply part. The tutorial I saw for this actually used beading wire, punched holes in the tins and wired them together. Yeaaaah. I used glue. It worked just fine. You are welcome. They can be used to hold business cards, tiny nails and screws, paperclips, whatever!

This is about as far as the DIY kitchen ever got. This would be the project from hell that almost ended in a divorce. We shall never speak of it again. 

So, there you have it. A Merry Pinterest Christmas. I've moved on, and am ready to tackle some more projects. Right now I'm working on turning an old dresser into a dress up wardrobe for C. He has a lot of dress up costumes, so I thought this would be fun. Once it's finished, I'll post about it. 

Wieners and Beer at Walgreens

The older C gets, the funnier our conversations and public outings get. And by funnier, I mean slightly horrifying. Sometimes I think it would be best if I become homebound, and just order my groceries online, and maybe start hoarding things. Then I'd probably get my own TLC show, so that's a win win scenario.

But, I'm not a hoarder, and I do occasionally venture out of my house with the kid in tow. One day a bit before Christmas, I had to go to Walgreens. I can't even remember what for, at this point. I already have a Snuggie, so that wasn't it. But it probably was to check out the As Seen on TV section. I still don't have a bumpit. Another holiday season has come and gone, and there was no bumpit or ped egg in my stocking. But I digress.

 

C and I hit up Walgreens. For his entertainment purposes, we ventured down the Christmas aisle. Mostly because I (along with every other Walgreens shopper) wanted to quell the screams of "OHHHH! Chwismas! I see Chwismas! I YOVE IT! I NEED SEE! MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!" I had C in the back of the cart (because let's face it, Walgreens has miniature carts, and my kid is giant. If I put him in the front, his sheer mass would flip that bitch over in 2 seconds) which I was hoping was close enough to a cage to keep him contained. So, we are looking at miniature trees, snowglobes and all the other overpriced holiday crap when C went absolutely ape shit. "WUDOLPH!! It's Wudolph! I yove him! I need take home! Mommy, yook!" Sure enough, it was a giant, 3 foot stuffed Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Just what every house needs, right? I silently groaned, but grabbed the Reindeer and saw that is was under $15, so I decided to just make the kids day and let him have it. You know, the magic of Christmas, and all that happy horse shit.



So, I hand it over to C, and his little face lit up, and all was well in the world. Until. I hear the glorious words every mother yearns to hear uttered from the sweet mouth of their innocent toddler, while walking the aisles at the local pharmacy. "Yook! Mommy I have a BIIIIIIIG wiener!!!"

 It's no secret that I have a mouth like a sailor. I mean, if you've read this blog for two minutes, you've come across some gems like "bitch-tittied bull shit" or "twat waffle". But I really can't ever recall mentioning big wieners in front of my kid. And he is now proclaiming to every. fucking. person. that we go by that he has a big wiener. And THAT is when I realize that he is saying "reindeer". It's sounds a bit like "way-ner" and awfully close to wiener. By this point, I'm sure that every patron of Walgreens thinks I raise my kid on the set of a porn shoot. I quickly start repeating after him "Yes honey, you have a big REINDEER. Your REINDEER is really big", but I don't think anyone was buying it.

I decided that it was time to finish up, and get the hell out of Walgreens before somebody called the authorities. I needed some cheese, so I headed over to the refrigerated aisle, so I could grab a bag of it at approximately seven times the actual retail value. I couldn't stomach the thought of giant dong talk all through the grocery store, so I was willing to pay the inflated price. As we rounded the corner and the refrigerated goods came into view, C let rip with another little gem. "Oh, beer! I yove beer! Beer is GOOD!" Fuck. My. Life. Now people think I let my kid watch porn while tossing back a cold one. The best part? If you are a loyal blog reader, you know that my kid CAN toss one back! Let's not forget my public service announcement.  I quickly respond with "That's what Pa says, doesn't he? Pa loves beer, Pa thinks beer is good! Beer isn't for little boys though, right?" By this point, I'm sure that somebody has CPS on the phone, and they'll be there momentarily to cart my kid away. It can't be normal for a 3 year old to be talking about giant wieners and love of beer, right?

Hmm. Maybe it can. 

I felt like I was doing the walk of shame up to the counter. I prayed with every fiber of my being that Carson wouldn't bring up giant dicks again, but of course he did. I gave up even trying to explain, and grabbed my bag and got the fuck out of there. And I STILL didn't have a bumpit. Walgreens = epic Mommy fail.

Pinterest is ruining my life.

Pinterest. Just the word makes me both squeal with glee and weep with self hatred. Pinterest is destroying my life. Soon it will ruin friendships, and I'll be all alone. Sure, I'll be surrounded by modge podge, glitter, my glue gun and a bunch of bizarre crafts, but I'll be friendless. And possibly husband-less.

You know how there is all that Mommy competition out there? To have the smartest, fastest, cutest kid on the block? Pinterest is like that, but on steroids. You need to be the craftiest bitch on the block or you are NOTHING!!!! I've always been quasi-crafty. Meaning I can bang out a fleece no sew poncho pretty fast, but if it's a multi step, patience requiring, detail oriented craft, you can just count me the fuck out. And that is where Pinterest ruining my life hits it's cue.

I'm going to assume you all know what Pinterest is. If you don't, you are in worse shape than me. I'm pretty sure my dog even has a Pinterest account, so if you don't, you had better get your shit together stat, my friends.

Now, Pinterest has allowed me to find some sweet shit, I won't lie. Um, making your own liquid hand soap by the gallon for only pennies? Shit, YES! Take THAT Softsoap! Screw you, and your $3.99 bottles of soap. I'm your bitch no more, and I have Pinterest to thank. Oh, and peppermint infused Vodka? FUCK. YES. are the only words that come to mind. You know how the day after Christmas all the drug stores basically start PAYING you to cart candy canes out of their store? Now you have a valid use for them. Jazz up your vodka and just get hammered. But it's drunk on peppermint, so that makes it a holiday celebration, therefore, klassier. YOU ARE WELCOME. So, Pinterest has it's uses.

But then there is the other shit. The useless fucking shit that people pin and I roll my eyes at. How about the "motivation" pictures? Usually it's some in shape chick with maybe a little bit of a gut on her, and then a pic of her sans gut. First of all, that is not motivation, assholes. That is fucking depressing. I carried around an 11 pound baby whale. I'd give me left tit to look like her "before" pic, but same as Lindsay Lohan's career making a comeback.... shit ain't gonna happen. Let's all collectively delete the motivation/inspiration, and replace them with the peppermint and skittles infused vodka and drunken gummy bears. We'll all be happier. And drunker. In fact, we'll be so drunk and happy, we won't give a fuck that we look like bloated Elvis. Hot damn, I'm a genius. People should be paying me for these ideas.

Then there is the category of "Super Amazing Shit That I Am WAY Too Poor To Ever Do, So This Is Just Depressing". You know what I'm talking about. People who pin pics of "Perfect for the Mudroom!" kind of shit, but their "mudroom" was done by Pottery Barn to the tune of approximately $6,000. Give me a break. I have a kid. And a husband who qualifies as a kid often, when it comes to neatness. If you think I'm about to makeover any room in my house, ESPECIALLY one dedicated to mud, in all white and wicker, you are fucked in the head. My idea of a mud room is all tile, with a drain in the middle of the room. Plastic bench, plastic everything. With a hose hook up. That way when the kid and the dog track in mud and manage to coat every surface in the room with said mud in 3 nanoseconds, I can hose that bastard down. Plus, it would make a good kill room. And I watch Dexter. I know that you may just need a kill room with easy access every once in a while. I don't think if I try to return a white wicker basket douched in grime at Pottery Barn that they would give me a very friendly reception. There are eleventy seven other examples that fall within this category, too. These are the pins I am easily able to roll my eyes at and mutter a "Bitch, please!"

It's this next category that is destroying me. Its the "Shit That Looks Super Simple, Really Cute, And Fun For A Toddler/Gift/Girls Night" that is ripping apart my formerly tranquil (read: lazy) life. Shit like the wine cork Christmas Tree. I came across this pin, and thought it was genius. I really, REALLY, wanted to make it for my Mom, as she is a little bit of a wino an avid wine drinker. First, where does one get 163 corks? I'm a lush and all, but I hate wine. If I needed Grey Goose bottles, I'd really give it my all, but no way am I chugging that many bottles of wine. Off to Ebay I went, and bought a giant box of corks. Ok, fine. Got the corks, picked up some hot glue. This should be easy, right?

WRONG. Did you know that corks are apparently the fucking flubber of the alcohol world? NOTHING sticks to that shit. It's impenetrable. It won't absorb anything, and nothing sticks to it. Kevin Federline should look into it as birth control. I hot glued the shit out of those corks, and they came right back apart. So, back to Hobby Lobby I went. I perused the glue aisle, and left with two items. Gorilla Glue and some other shit I can't remember the name of. But it SPECIFICALLY said it worked for cork. I remember reading on some crafty blog somewhere that Gorilla Glue would basically glue anything and everything, so I decided to give it a shot. Um, that shit turns into a big, white, foam, eye sore when it's dry. It ran everywhere and looked more like a Gorilla had jizzed on it, rather than glued it. FAIL. I tried the next stuff that said it was for cork. It might have been, but it wasn't quick dry, so you had to sit forever holding 2 corks together like a moron. Not very effective when you have 163 corks to glue together. I decided to pick up another bag of hot glue sticks and try using MORE hot glue. Yeaaaah. Then there was hot glue oozing everywhere and it looked terrible. At this point, I'm like $57 in on glue products alone, and about to rip my hair out in frustration, so I just gave up.

Then there is the other shit that people claim to be "quick and easy" crafts, but that I look at, and think they are fucked in the head. Im totally down for the quick and easy crafts. White handprint on a piece of wood or ornament made into snowmen? Dig it. Cutting out a giant felt triangle as a christmas tree for your kids to decorate? I'm down. But it's shit like this little number that make me go "WTF, dude." First of all, have you ever cut felt? I sure as fuck have, and mine NEVER looks that nice. It's all ragged and jagged and has little bits of fuzz everywhere. Second of all, if any type of garland I'm making out of felt requires sewing, that project is OUT. I can take my ass to the local Dollar Tree and buy some (not handmade) beautiful shit for one dolla' that some kid in a third world country cranked out. The former, while handmade and all pretty, sounds sucktastic compared to the ease of the latter. Thirdly, I don't know what the fuck kind of friends you have, but if I wrapped up some braided felt piece of shit and tried to pass it off as a necklace or bracelet, I'd get bitch slapped. If you seriously look at that and scream "OH MY GOD!!! Fashion Accessory!!", we can no longer be friends.

The final nail in the coffin, as well as near demise of my marriage was the DIY play kitchen. I'm sure you've seen these bits of adorableness on Pinterest. Crafty bitches make over bulky wood entertainment centers from 1987 and turn them into fabulous play kitchens for their kids for what they claim is mere pennies. First of all, the bitches lie. The hubs agreed to do this, so we headed to Home Depot for supplies. Since we had to remove glass doors and put on wood ones, the bill was steep. Wood, hinges, handles, knobs, primer, paint.... the list was never ending, and we left $100 poorer. I clearly recall us going "Huh. We could have bought a fucking kitchen for that", but we convinced ourselves that if we MADE the kitchen, it would somehow be better. Fast forward 2 and a half months. It is now December 23rd. I have been hounding the husband for 2 and a half months about the kitchen, he assures me that it will be done by Christmas. Cue the husband walking in the door, telling me the kitchen will NOT in fact be done. The garage is covered in saw dust, power tools, and the scent of paint hung heavy in the air. And then the yelling begins. I'll just bottom line this for you. I'm pretty sure we were both ready to grab power tools and attack the other. And the worst part? Since every fucking Christmas present related to the play kitchen, we had to scramble, scrape some funds together (so long Christmas bonus. I barely knew ye...) and go to Toys R Us. TOYS R FUCKING US, people! 36 hours before Christmas! It was hell. ALL BECAUSE OF PINTEREST. Pinterest almost caused the end of my marriage. Thankfully we rallied, pulled through, and the kid woke up to an awesome play kitchen on Christmas Morning. No thanks to Pinterest. All credit goes to Little Tikes. I wonder if Pinterest will pay the tab for the marriage counseling we now need?

So you see, I'm going to hot glue and modge podge away until I'm left friendless, and husbandless. But you know what? If I end up homeless, I'll make myself one hell of a poncho to keep warm. WIN!!

Check Me Out!

Guess who is featured over at the awesomeness that is Modern Rosies???? Oh yeah, that's ME! And my rather stupendous no-sew car seat poncho tutorial!! Click above to check it out! If you aren't following that blog, get your sweet bitchtits over there and start, because it is oozing with awesome. And who wants to miss out on that?!

Confetti Creations SUPER SALE!!!

My best good friend Jess is the creator behind Confetti Creations. Not only can she make an AHHH-mazing cake, but she also makes awesome creations for kids! I LOVE her boys ties! And lucky for you, she is having a Black Friday THROUGH Cyber Monday sale!

• Tie bundles are 3/$24
• Use code NWNB20 to get 20% off entire purchase (including the tie bundles!)
• Free gift with every order (while supplies last, so hurry!) Mustache tie clip or hair bow
• For every $5 you spend, you will be entered into a drawing for a $20 gift certificate to Confetti Creations. No limit on total entries!

I'd love it if you went to her Facebook page and say that I sent you, and give her some love!. 

Totally awesome hairbows that coordinate with the ties!

SUPER easy DIY iron on kit!!! How adorable is this?! 

Ethan (Carson's best friend! and Jackson modeling their aprons!)

So, what are you waiting for?! Head over to Confetti Creations and snag yourself a stellar deal!

SuperMom is Dead.

SuperMom is dead. Or at least, she is at my house.

It seems that all Mom’s possess a deep desire for perfection. True, it lays dormant for years. Any teenaged girls bedroom is a prime example of how the need for perfection doesn’t hit until later. All it takes is hearing the first cry of your newborn, and instantly, a switch is flipped. 

Nobody can deny that becoming a Mother is the beginning of the "look how much better I am than you" parade. It begins with pregnancy (well, I only gained 4 pounds my entire pregnancy!), has an encore for the arrival of your bundle of joy (an epidural? Really? Psh. Labor wasn't painful for me at all, no drugs here!) and it seems to continue on endlessly as your child develops. Develops much more slowly than his peers, evidently. Here's the thing, though. We are ALL responsible for it. Some are worse offenders than others, but at some point or another, we all glean a little bit of satisfaction in thinking we are a better mother than the one across the street, or in play group. 

The SuperMom ideal is so ridiculous. I blame the era of the perfect television mother and wife. Damn you, June Cleaver! NOBODY vacuums in heels and pearls. NOBODY is perfectly coiffed every day, with a freshly starched apron and steaming hot meals. Sure, we all know it was made for television, but everybody has had some sort of daydream about being the ideal Mom. And in today's world, it's even worse! Not only do we strive for that perfect house, and perfect meal, but we add in doing perfectly at our job, making sure our perfect offspring look and act perfect. We need to throw the perfect birthday party, make the best cookies for the bake sale, have ground breaking ideas for the PTA, get the laundry done in perfect time for crazy shirt day at school, host the perfect dinner party and never forget to upload perfect looking pictures and updates on Facebook and Twitter! 

Look, I'm exhausted from just thinking of a day like that. Actually attempting to live it? Forget about it! I want to introduce you all to a new Mom. She's called RealisticMom. Here is what I love about RealisticMom. She is brazen enough to do school drop off in her slippers. She also knows that sometimes, it's ok to have a frozen pizza for dinner. RealisticMom doesn't always have the dishes finished or the floor vacuumed. RealisticMom even has the gall to bring store bought cookies to the bake sale, because last night? She was busy. Or tired. Or both! Who cares what the reasoning, RealisticMom just knows when to draw the line and say enough is enough. 

We have all had those occasions when company shows up unexpectedly, and we scurry around shoving things in closets, drawers and laundry baskets that get hurriedly shoved in our bedroom. But WHY? Why do we care if there is a pile of laundry that needs folding sitting out? Does it matter that there are eleventy seven legos scattered on the floor? It doesn’t! If you ask me, those are probably signs that instead of spending your day cleaning and organizing, you spent time with your kiddo. And I’m willing to bet a years worth of laundry that 20 years down the line, your child will remember that afternoon building a space ship out of legos, and NOT that you brought in the biggest donation with your cookies at the bake sale.

Come on, admit it. It's freeing. Join me in shouting from the rooftops. Your house is a mess and you just don’t care that much! That sure, it would be ideal to have everybody’s clothes and backpacks laid out neatly before you go to bed, but what REALLY happens is that the alarm didn’t go off, you didn’t have time to shower, and just touched up yesterday’s hair. And that the kids ate pop tarts in the car, meaning there are now crumbs in the car. It happens!! And frankly, if it never happens to you, I don’t think we’d be very good friends. SuperMom is dead at my house, but RealisticMom is alive and kicking. I may not be the neatest or most organized, but I sure have fun along the way.